Yup, I'm not ready to kill anybody right now, which is an improvement over yesterday, but I'm still a little off emotionally. Damn stupid hormones.
I doubt all women go through the freaky hormone thing each and every month, but estrogen and progesterone screw me up in a big way. I swear that's why my heart rate goes up when I'm pregnant. It's like I'm allergic to my own chemicals or something. Weird, I know, and probably not the correct terminology, but I really don't care.
Yeah, so anyway, it's 11:30 and we just got back from church and dinner at Denny's afterward. "Encounter" went pretty well, I think. We had live music, and I swear that just makes all the difference in worship. I just can't get into the canned music CDs we have on Sundays.
Oh well. I was a little melancholy at the service tonight. Just more of my usual angst with some PMS thrown in for good measure.
I still feel like I'm at a crossroads of sorts with my faith. My heart desires to follow Jesus [the Jesus of the Bible, not necessarily the Jesus many Christians claim today]. And I know my friends desire the same thing, but I feel led in a direction that's different from what most people feel comfortable with, so I'm just in limbo, waiting.
I think part of this is my geography. I think I need to find a bunch of hippie/earth loving/artsy-fartsy/weirdo- types because when it comes down to it, that's what I've always wanted to be. I'm a closet hippie–who knew?
I saw something on TV about a commune that's earth friendly. They live in a very small portion of land and share stuff, and make pottery, write poetry, paint, build stuff… which is weird to most people, but to me, it feels right.
You have no idea how weird that is for me to write. I've spent most of my life working on being down-to-earth and funny, but irreverent, and a little condescending to the people who wear earth tones and Birkenstocks [I can't afford Birkenstocks, but I do like earth tones and poetry].
I think it must be similar to some homophobes, they make fun of and ridicule gays and lesbians because they represent a part of themselves they don't want to admit to. Gays and lesbians don't freak me out, but hippie-vegans do.
So what does this have to do with my faith? Um, not much except that in figuring out who I am, my faith has to figure in there somewhere, especially since that's pretty much been my entire identity for the past eleven years.
That, and since I believe in a personal God, I believe that he made me this way for a reason. He gave me my personality, and the things I am interested in won't cause anyone pain, and may even help improve the world, so I don't think there's any reason to not explore some of this stuff.
I'm pretty sure my friends will still love me, I mean they read my blog [without commenting, you putzes!] and haven't disowned me yet, so I guess they'll just deal with this like they have everything else, but these thoughts and interests are so different from everyone else, and I have an intense desire to be understood, [and joined in the insanity?] not just tolerated.
Yeah, maybe it's asking too much to be understood, hell, I don't understand myself most of the time. I dunno, I'm tired now, so I have to sleep.
Goodnight, dear friends. Stay tuned for more soul-searching-I have to find myself malarkey in the near future. Heh. Who knows what I'll end up being?
What's so wonderful about Birkenstocks, anyway?