I'm in a pretty bad state emotionally right now. My depression is out of control. I don't know if it's the birth control, the stress, or a combination of the two, but all of the good habits I've been working on for the past few months [since November] have pretty much gone away and I'm right back where I started.
I don't understand why changing your behavior has to be so damn difficult. My mind isn't working right, I feel stupid and I can't focus on anything for more than a few minutes. To be honest, I feel like I've got pregnancy brain, or depression brain, or both.
I'm only able to focus on myself right now and I hate that. All the self-defeating, negative thoughts are right back screaming at me, and I'm believing them again. I feel like a complete failure, totally worthless, and a crappy writer to boot. I want to give up and stop trying.
Maybe I already have stopped trying. Maybe that's why I'm in this mess. I don't know. I'm probably going to call my doctor and try Cymbalta again [anti-depressant with the added bonus that it controls pain… maybe I can get rid of my fibromyalgia pain too. Dare I hope it?] Yeah, it's a sad day when emotional numbness is preferable to feeling this God-awful pain and sadness, and I'm there again.