Well Shit

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I'm in a pretty bad state emotionally right now.  My depression is out of control.  I don't know if it's the birth control, the stress, or a combination of the two, but all of the good habits I've been working on for the past few months [since November] have pretty much gone away and I'm right back where I started.

I don't understand why changing your behavior has to be so damn difficult.  My mind isn't working right, I feel stupid and I can't focus on anything for more than a few minutes.  To be honest, I feel like I've got pregnancy brain, or depression brain, or both.

I'm only able to focus on myself right now and I hate that.  All the self-defeating, negative thoughts are right back screaming at me, and I'm believing them again.  I feel like a complete failure, totally worthless, and a crappy writer to boot.  I want to give up and stop trying.

Maybe I already have stopped trying.  Maybe that's why I'm in this mess.  I don't know.  I'm probably going to call my doctor and try Cymbalta again [anti-depressant with the added bonus that it controls pain… maybe I can get rid of my fibromyalgia pain too.  Dare I hope it?]  Yeah, it's a sad day when emotional numbness is preferable to feeling this God-awful pain and sadness, and I'm there again.

Ick. 

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About Shelbi

Work-at-home wife, mom of three kids, and caregiver for my brother, who has Cerebral Palsy. Never a dull moment, in other words. No idea how much I'll post, since I'm super busy these days, but maybe I'll get over here once in a while.

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