Choices

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 I figured something out last night.  Number one:  I can't sleep without my night-time cocktail of melatonin and Benadryl.  But, if I don't take it, I can come up with 15,000 things I want to blog about and 1200 scenes for my novel, ideas for both of which I've been severely lacking for a while now.

I also learned that birth control pills give me high blood pressure. 

So the choices.  Sleep or creativity?  High blood pressure or no sex until Steve gets a vasectomy [okay, not really, but we can't use condoms… the latex ones make me break out, itch, and swell, and the non-latex ones feel like Saran Wrap… which hurts].  

Obviously, I had to stop the pill.  Strokes and heart attacks are bad for anyone, but I'm 32, and the mother of three very active kids, and if it's preventable I'm gonna do what I can, you know?  I'm not surprised that I had heart related side effects, but I was expecting tachycardia, not hypertension, so that's a new one for me.

I took my last pill on Thursday, so I'm hoping my BP gets back to normal within the next few days.  I don't feel right when my heart's wonky, so I've been dealing with headaches and dizziness and shortness of breath and even some chest, left shoulder, and neck pain, which probably makes me an idiot since I haven't been to the doctor yet, but I'm just taking it easy and biding my time.  If it doesn't start getting better by tomorrow, I'll go, I promise. 

So anyway, I've just started really enjoying sex again, so I don't want to quit any time soon.  Maybe I'll see about one of those sperm catcher thingies, diaphragm! [Jeez, I forgot what it was called!] 

At least until Steve gets clipped [poor baby, but it makes more sense for him to get it done than me since they use a local anesthetic for a vasectomy and a general for a tubal ligation, plus a tubal is lots more invasive.  Steve doesn't really have a problem with it, except for the usual nerves for his package, but it's still weird to think of him getting it done.]  

Yeah, enough about ovaries and testicles!

About the sleep thing.  My kids have become really good about not waking me up in the mornings [they know they can get by with more the longer I'm asleep] so I could conceivably still get enough sleep even if I take my meds later than I have been.  But, if I'm gonna send Shaya to public school next year, I'll have to start getting up early.

I know it's stupid to worry so much about sleep, but I do have fibromyalgia, and it does seem to get worse when I don't get enough sleep.  Plus, the chronic fatigue part of this shit means that if I consistantly get less than eight or nine hours of sleep per night, my body goes numb and I lose the ability to think.  At all.

Which is really jacked up, but true.  I get this thing when I get overly tired where I feel like I'm walking through water all the time.  I can literally watch myself bump my knee on something, say a car bumper, and not feel it until seconds later.  And when I do finally feel it, even the smallest bump seems to radiate out [like ripples water when you drop something in it] until it gets to my brain.  It's a little like an echo, too.
I really don't like feeling like that because it affects my fine motor skills [can't feel what I'm doing, so I have to watch, and then when the sensation reaches my brain, it feels like pain… even something as simple as changing a diaper hurts.] 

The first time that happened, I was nineteen and in nursing school.  That's about the time I stopped doing my homework and couldn't pass because I didn't turn in my clinical papers.  I didn't tell anyone about it at the time because it's still hard to explain, but suffice it to say that I can't function well without enough sleep.

So anyway, back to this choice I'm gonna have to make.  If I want to write, it's pretty clear that I'm gonna have to do it late at night [that's when the creative juices flow, and I don't know if it's possible for me to change that, although I know a lot of writers have].  I have to get enough sleep, but if Shaya goes to public school next year, I'll have to get up early to get her there on time.

I can pull, like one all nighter without any bad effects, but two or more in a week and I get the numbness thing.  I've never actually done an experiment to see how much sleep I can do without, but it's not fun to try it, so if I get a hint of the numbness, I go to sleep right away.

So I guess if it's important enough, I'll have to experiment and see what my body can handle.  What I do right now, is sleep as long as I possibly can in the morning.  I don't have a time that I get up every morning because the time when I finally get to sleep varies so much.  And I've noticed that if I have an alarm set, it takes longer for me to fall asleep.

Jeez.  I'm gonna have to think about this one some more. I've tried getting up at a set time in the morning regardless of what time I go to bed [hoping to set the rhythm, you know?] But what happens is I get more and more exhausted from not getting enough sleep, and instead of being able to go to sleep quicker at night, I get the numbness thing and the brain dead thing and I'm completely worthless.

I dunno.  I guess I'll come back to this another time.

I'm off to take my bedtime meds, so goodnight, dear friends.

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About Shelbi

Work-at-home wife, mom of three kids, and caregiver for my brother, who has Cerebral Palsy. Never a dull moment, in other words. No idea how much I'll post, since I'm super busy these days, but maybe I'll get over here once in a while.

3 responses »

  1. Oh, dear, you can never write too much about ovaries and testicles.

    There’s always Naturalamb condoms (latex free) + Astroglide. Failing that, there’s oral sex. I think I could exist on a steady diet of oral sex.

    How much benadryl are you doing? I do a half tab (12.5 mg) plus the melatonin. I guess I should try melatonin alone, but as it is, I have difficulty.

    In any case, good luck with the writing!

  2. Hey Doug,

    Thanks for stopping by! I’ve been taking melatonin [3 mg] and a half tab [12.5 mg] of benadryl, but last night I just took the melatonin, and it seemed to work fine by itself. I still didn’t want to wake up this morning, but I think that’s just normal for me… I have a horrible time going to sleep, but can stay asleep forever [it seems like].

    As for writing and sex, I’ll figure something out.

  3. Hey, did you just say you’re guzzling Benadryl and melatonin? Yes, you did. Be careful, honey. I know they’re both pretty mild but it could have untoward effects if you use it for a longer period of time and, you know, drug interactions between the two could happen. Plus you have heart issues, so I think you should go easy on the cocktail. I’m wondering if your doctor knows about it.
    Anyway, good luck on your writing. And have a great sex life…. Whew! Steamy here, I say.

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