Or at least my bikini line is.
This one's a little R rated, so if talk about private parts offends you, come back another time.
Yup. I waxed my pubes. I can hear it now, why the hell would a 32 year old, slightly chubby, stay at home mother possibly want to rip all of her pubic hair out by the roots? Who sees the cooch anyway, right [oh dear Lord, did I really just call my vulva a cooch?]
No one except Steve [and occasionally the kids if I forget to lock the door on the bathroom… more on that later though]. We're not thinking of starting our own porn company [we did video tape ourselves once… it only took once to know I really don't care to know what I look like when I have an orgasm…some people put that stuff on the internet, though. No really. Thanks goes to Doug for that link.]
Where was I? Oh yeah. Well, it all started about eleven years ago when I saw my first [and last] hard core porno flick. It was my bachelorette party [Bec had called a stripper, but Steve made me promise I wouldn't participate, so they picked out a porno from the massive collection Bec's brother had]
I don't remember the name, only that the acting and music made me want to vomit, there was a lot of sex [one girl slapped herself on the clit and moaned a lot during anal sex, which was hokey and gross, although the moaning might have been real because that crap looks painful *hee hee… the pun was unintentional, but I'm leaving it 'cause stupid humor amuses me*]
Anyway, it was the first time I'd ever seen a grown woman with no pubic hair! [She might have had a small strip on the front, don't remember now]. No really. I was 21, but I'd led a pretty sheltered life, and I had no clue that someone would want to go bald.
And the seed was planted. I asked Steve if he'd ever heard of such a thing, and did he want me to shave mine, and he said it was up to me. I knew about the prickly itchies that come after you shave, and I wasn't too keen on getting 'em down there, so I didn't.
Fast forward ten years. Oprah had that psycho model Naomi Campbell on her show and she was talking about the Brazilian wax. And they were talking about how it was all the rage, even for housewives. So I said, "What the hell? I might as well try it."
I wasn't about to go some where and have it done, so I went and bought Surgi Wax Brazilian Microwave Hair Remover Kit [for private parts]. I came home and read the directions and followed them to the letter.
I started on the outside [toward the thigh] and ripped the first strip off. I made it to the second or third strip and had to quit.
OUCH people! Fucking ouch!
So I thought, what about shaving? I've heard women talk about shaving, and they talk like they do it all the time and don't mind it, I think I'll try shaving.
If you want to go bald, don't shave. It itches like crazy, you end up with razor bumps right where your pantie elastic goes, and then when the hair starts growing back, you walk bowlegged in the hopes that your nethers won't rub your thighs or anything else because you must have sandpaper growing between your legs [it's awful! and lasts for a long time!]
Oh yeah, and about the time I did all this experimenting with my pubes, I got an infection, which landed me in the freaking stirrups, shining my heinie with the funky hair cut to a doctor. She didn't say anything, but it was embarrassing [I dunno why, I'm sure she'd seen weirder, but still]
So I was finished with all that. Then I had kidney stones, and a hellish year, and I got to thinking, "What kind of wuss am I that I can't stand a little hair removal? I've given birth three times, and passed at least that many kidney stones [a couple with nothing stronger than Tylenol].
Now why the hell I'm still even thinking about this is a good question, and it involves the Internet. Every once in a while, Steve and I venture into adult toy stores to see what kind of stuff they've got now [you have to check these things out every now and again… I'm waiting for someone to invent something battery operated with the power of the Magic Wand that's the size of, say, a quarter instead of a tennis ball…]
But anyway, there they were again. Women with no pubic hair. I should mention that Steve has never once complained about me or my hairy bits, this has all been instigated by me. There are days when I wonder if I have too much time to think, but I got to thinking about waxing again.
I'd kept my Surgi Wax [it wasn't anywhere near empty, and I don't throw anything away until it's long expired… I still have some heart medicine from my last pregnancy almost three years ago. I'm never gonna take it, but I still haven't gotten around to throwing it away. Steve and I are both like that, which is why we have way too much shit packed away in this tiny little house]
So I figured, "What the hell? I'll try it again."
Oh dear, look at the time. In the interest of science, and to help out my fellow women who have thought of doing this, um, procedure, at home, I will give a full description of my experience… tomorrow.
For now, I'm sleepy [it's after midnight]. Blogging was fun tonight. I may be over the hump.
Good night, dear friends.