Post one on my adventure is here.
Okay, I said I'd be right back, but then shit happened, and now I'm a little late, but I was talking about my foray into Brazilian bikini waxing, and now I shall continue with a full description of what it's like to pull all of your pubic hair out…
Here is where I would put the break in with a warning that we're in R rated territory, however, those features seem to have disappeared for the time being and I have no idea how to fix it.
So consider yourself warned 😉
*Edited to add… I thought I'd lost my whole post [after spending a couple of hours on it] but then I hit the back button [thank God for the back button] and not only was my post there, but my spell check and all the other neat tools are back, so here's the break I was telling you about… 😛 *
Even though it had been a year and a half since my first unsuccessful attempt at waxing [and then a very brief stint of shaving… still gives me the shivers thinking about that. Can you believe some OB/GYNs used to make women shave and have enemas before they gave birth?! Here's hoping that's a thing of the past everywhere] I figured that I had read the directions the first time, and I'd been picturing how I'd do it this time, so I figured I could remember the main things.
I did remember most of it, but there are a few things people everywhere should be aware of when it comes to the hard wax. It's microwavable, and when it cools, you just flick a corner up with your finger nail, hold the skin taught, and then pull in the opposite direction of the hair growth.
This can be tricky since pubic hair doesn't seem to have much rhyme or reason to which direction it grows. Mine, for the most part, grows inward toward the non-hairy center part, so I had to put the hot wax on starting from the outside, working my way in.
*Oh, crap, I almost forgot. In the Surgi Wax for bikini waxing, they give you this pre-epilatory oil, so the wax sticks to the hair, not the skin. Brilliant stuff. Use LOTS of it. I ended up using all of it during my second attempt.
The only bad thing about that is, the slicker your skin [and fingers] are from the oil, the harder it is to hold your skin taught [and that's very important from a pain perspective].*
Okay, for my second attempt, I took a bath first [the directions say no hot bath, but mine wasn't too hot compared to usual, so even though I forgot that detail, I was still okay]. I figured since pubic hair tends to be coarse and wiry, I needed to soak it for a while in the hopes that softer hair would come out easier [also, I figured it would help open the pores and maybe lessen the pain. I dunno if it worked or not, but that was the theory.]
So after I was clean and dry, I put the pre-epillatory oil on. The directions say to cut the hair down to 1/2 inch [another detail I forgot] but I didn't do that. It may have caused some trouble, but I think longer is better because I've since waxed a second time, and the shorter hair doesn't get stuck in the wax nearly as well as the full length did, therefore I have more strays this time.
I put a lot of oil on, and microwaved the wax. The consistency of the wax is really important. If the wax gets too thick, you have problems [I'll get to that in a minute]. So you really need it to be perfect. I'd compare it to thick molasses or honey for the perfect consistency. This is pretty hot, but I think it's better to get it too thin than too thick. You can always add more wax if it's not quite thick enough, but getting the crap off after you've put it on too thick is torture.
So starting out, I put one thin strip on the outside of my pubes, toward the thigh. When I smoothed the wax on, I started at the top and moved down. I waited until the wax was cool to the touch [another instruction I got wrong, but the second time, I followed the directions and waited until it was still warm but no longer sticky, and it didn't remove the hair nearly as well… however, leaving it on too long is really bad, too].
Then I pulled the skin as tight as I could with my thumb and fingers, flicked up the bottom end of the wax, took a deep breath [and prayed something stupid like, "Oh God, don't let this hurt too bad."] and yanked. You know how if you pull a band-aid off fast, it hurts like hell but then it's over, but if you pull it off slow, you can feel every hair it pulls out and it hurts like hell, but for a loooonng time? It's the same principle here, but I think I yanked a little too hard and fast because the wax broke.
Which meant that I had to flick up the edge and yank again. And again. I think the fact that I let the wax cool too much contributed to the problem, but it did get almost all of the hair.
The second time I waxed [about two weeks after the first], the wax was still a bit warm, and when I pulled it off, I didn't yank it, but more pulled it quickly, which made the wax come off in a strip instead of little pieces, but, I had a LOT more strays [the directions say that you should tweeze the strays… yeah right. I don't think so.]
So the second time following the directions perfectly might have been a little less excruciating, but there was a lot more hair when I was done than the first time.
So anyway, I survived the first strip, and the second. Things got a little tricky as I moved down toward my butt. There's that thing called the 'butt flap?' [didn't know it was called that until I saw one on some celebrity picture website] It's kinda the inside of your butt cheek, close to the perineum and vagina.
Like I said before, I'm a little chubby these days, and I've never been a contortionist, so getting to that part was more about feel than sight. I don't know if every woman has hair there [or if they'd admit to it if they do. Women are weird about some of that stuff, and my experience with seeing women's (natural) private parts is pretty much limited to myself, so I got nuttin' to compare it with… yeah, anyway…]
I lost my hand held mirror when we moved, so getting the back area is not gonna happen, but I waxed my butt flap [that's a gross word, you know?] and survived it, but it required me to lay on my back [on the bed… the directions say to do it on the floor, but floors are typically hard and uncomfortable] I had one leg up in the air, and had to reach around from behind to pull the skin taught [if I could find a picture, I'd post it, because I have a feeling it looked hilarious] then I reached between my legs with the other hand to flick the wax and pull. I'm left handed, so this was a lot easier to accomplish with the right side than the left, but neither was a picnic.
Did I mention that this was late at night when Steve was at work and the kids were in bed? I didn't want to get caught. Although I've since threatened to have Steve wax the parts I can't reach. I've offered to wax his back and heinie in return [hee hee… when we got married, he didn't have any hair on his back. He still doesn't have a lot, but I have to tease him about something, and the rest of him is damn near perfect looking. He's never said a word about my extra, post-kid pounds that keep lingering, which is why I love him and endure his near perfection]
Steve's said I can wax whatever I want [minus his scrotum… how the hell could you hold the skin taught?!]
Okay, back to the waxing saga. The hair on the outer edges of the triangle were not too difficult, and the butt flap was an adventure in positioning, but not too painful. Next, I worked my way in, which means the 'labia majora' which are the outer lips of the pussy.
Holding the skin taught in this area is a challenge. It's all curvy and was slick from the oil, and I'd never realized how far in the hair grew [maybe this is an aging thing?] but it wasn't easy getting the wax on the inside of the labia without getting the inner labia waxed, too [and that area, thank God, didn't need it].
I managed it, but my fingers slipped a lot, and it took a long time to work up the courage to rip the wax off. There were also quite a few strays, which was a nuisance.
But then, something went horribly wrong. I'd decided to leave a strip in the front [mostly because the kids have seen me with pubic hair, and I really wanted to avoid questions, so I left a strip hoping they wouldn't notice there's a lot less than there used to be… and I am very vigilant about keeping it covered. Maybe I'm weird, but it was hard enough explaining to the little goobs why I had hair there and they didn't, I really don't want to explain why it's gone, or how it got that way].
So anyway, on my body, the area right above the beginning of the crease ['slit,' as some call it] and above the clitoris is where my pubic hair is the thickest. I never knew this before I waxed, but now I do. The horror began when I started putting partially cooled [and therefore too thick] wax onto that area.
The wax ended up getting completely cooled [a big mistake] plus it was on too thick, making it impossible for me to flick and yank without screaming. I tried to get it off by pulling it, but it was so hard I was literally pulling one hair at a time and I swear there are thousands in that one square inch of space.
I tried to heat the other wax really hot and put some more on it, hoping that it would heat the horrid stuff enough to make the wax pliable again. No luck.
Finally, after about 45 minutes of yanking, praying, freaking out, picturing a trip to the ER… and then it hit me. What would they do in the ER [besides laugh their asses off at me behind my back]?
I don't have any cool safety scissors [although I want some] but I got the orange handled, all-purpose scissors, and started cutting the cold wax off my cooch.
That hurt, too, but I was careful not to cut too close to the skin [I was afraid I'd cut myself and not realize it since I hurt like hell in that area anyway… I had a brief vision of getting an infection and having to tell a medical professional… okay, that probably wouldn't have happened even if I did cut myself, but that's what my mind does when I'm stressed].
When I got the worst of the wax cut off [it was a quarter of an inch thick in some areas] I re-nuked the jar of wax and put more on. This time, when I held taught and yanked, the wax, and most of the hair, came off.
I breathed a great prayer of thanksgiving.
I had survived.
After I was finished, the skin was pretty red and sore, but I could see that it was red! Woo hoo! I was bald [well, except for the strip in the front]! About that time, Steve got home from work. When he came in, I said 'hi' and since I was naked, he noticed right away what I'd done.
He seemed to approve [if the silly grin was any indication]. Then he suggested that I trim the strip in front, so I did. I never tweezed the strays, but there weren't that many. I was pretty sore for a couple of hours [it felt hot, and burned when I touched the skin, so I skipped panties until the redness went away.]
One difference I've noticed is that when the hair starts growing back, it's a lot finer than when you shave, so there's none of that horrid itching/chafing and no razor bumps. Also, less hair grows back than what you started with, and rumor has it, that some of the hairs will never grow back [yay!] The more you wax, the less thick it is when it comes back, so that's a plus in my book.
I also noticed that the second time I waxed, my skin wasn't irritated afterward much at all. Maybe thirty minutes of tenderness instead of two hours.
I took a shower after I waxed the second time, and found out what happens to leftover hard wax when you add water: it turns into sticky wax that won't come off your skin. I figured it would just wash off [the wax is messy, so don't try it without something to sit/lay on to catch the strings that stretch from the jar to your hair, it doesn't wash out of clothes very well, so use something that you can designate for that purpose only or throw away after you're done.]
I waxed just a few days ago, and I found more wax on my ankle last night from it, so don't shower. When the wax is hard, you can just yank [and sometimes rub] it off. If you get it wet, it stays forever, and no amount of scrubbing can get that shit off].
As for Steve's reaction, he says he likes it. Even though he never asked, or even mentioned waxing in general unless it was to say it looks painful, I kinda did it for him. Any time I get a hair in my mouth, I gag uncontrollably until I get the damn thing out. Steve doesn't have the same problem, but I've seen him pull a stray hair out of his mouth from time to time.
It grossed me out, and I wondered if it did him too, but he was too nice to say anything [these are my thoughts, stupid or not]. Stray hairs are not a problem anymore. I think there might be an erotic thing to the Brazilian wax, too.
I mean, I knew a lot of guys think it's sexy or whatever, but I feel different about myself, too. I don't have to worry about my pubes peeking out when I'm wearing a swimsuit [or anything else] and I like that.
I dunno how to explain it. It's almost like, even though it does hurt like hell [especially if the wax is too thick, or you don't pull the skin tight enough… remember that] it's not unbearable by any means.
I can't really compare the pain to, say, childbirth or kidney stones because those pains, while horrible, are internal. Although waxing can be horrible [if done wrong, and moderately painful if done right], it's an external pain. It hurts just like pulling a band aid off the hairy part of your arm. It's no worse than that, in spite of being in a very sensitive area.
And I definitely feel sexier, which doesn't make much sense, but is still true. It's like anything kinda special that you do for yourself, I guess. Maybe like getting your hair dyed or gettin a perm. It's not very comfortable, but you like the way it looks and/or feels, so it's worth it.
Brazilian waxing is a little like that for me. I told Steve I liked it the other day, and that I'd probably keep doing it [unless we can afford permanent hair removal someday… oooh].
Steve said he was glad [and got that goofy grin again, and suggested that we go in the bedroom and lock the door for a while].
So there you have it, folks. Any questions?