Frustrated

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I re-read some old false-starts on different stories that I wrote a while back, and I realized something. 

I don't suck. 

The contest story I entered didn't suck either, but it wasn't perfect.  I could see why it didn't get picked, but the premise and even some of the scenes worked, it just wasn't quite finished in terms of editing.

Editing is a booger for me, because I really have no clue how to do it.  I read the story, and change a few words, but when I read any story, it's for reading purposes, not editing.

I think I'm gonna have to re-join Forward Motion [can't remember my username and password… maybe I have it saved somewhere] and read and submit some actual critiques. 

So anyway, I actually thought about Thea's story today and where to go next.  I'm still mulling it over.  I need to just sit down and write the damn thing.  Once I get into the groove, I do okay, it's just starting that's hard.

I haven't given up.

Yesterday, though, I discovered digitally rendered art, and damn!  It's cool!  I want to get a tablet and pen thingy that hooks up to the computer so I can paint.  I played with a free program yesterday, but the mouse isn't conducive to detail.

I did one painting, and I liked it.  I'd post it for you, but I can't remember how, and wordpress is different than blogger.  It's not anything, just some star-burst looking things, but it makes me feel good when I look at it.  Soothing, you know?

Anyway, I have a lot of things I want to try and experiment with, and every damn one of 'em costs money.  We're exceptionally poor these days, so it's all gonna have to wait.

I wish there was a way for me to earn a little money from home.  Steve's thought about second employment, but I'd rather he didn't get a second job if he doesn't have to.  We'd never get to see him, and we did that for the six months of the academy, and I'm not willing to do it again if I don't have to.

I'd like to be able to take some pressure off, and also to be able to afford some extras [like the tablet thing for me, and some kind of attachment for his guitar or something… wah pedal?  I think it's called?  It's completely silly, but he's wanted one ever since before we got married, and I'd love to be able to get him one.

So I'm feeling financially dissatisfied with my life.  And health-wise, I'm not worth anything either [I doubt I could handle a job outside the home even if I didn't have any kids at this point].  I'm praying hard about both things. 

I've got to find a way to feel better.  I just seem to be getting worse, and it sucks big time.  My memory is gone, and I hurt all the time.  I know my illness isn't as bad as many who suck it up and do whatever's necessary regardless, but I'm not that strong.  Never have been.

I often wonder why some people face adversity and rise above it, and others just kind of sit down and give up.  I don't know what the difference is, if it's genetic, or if it's all about mind control.  I don't want to be a quitter, but historically, that's what I've been.

I'm working on it, but damn, it's hard to change your behavior when you don't have a clue where to start.

Okay, I have a headache now, so I'm gonna go. 

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