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I think I’m losing my mind.

Okay, not really, at least not any more than usual, but suddenly I felt the need to write a blog entry, so here I am.

Didja miss me?

Actually, my friend Lindsay must have a broken e-mail program at work, and I have this intense need to write words and since she’s not responding, I decided I’d give this a shot and see if I can get the words out of my system.

I may even try for a record in run-on sentences, but I don’t think I could do it.  I like periods too much.  Speaking of periods, are those not the worst things ever?  Girls know what I’m talking about, and you poor people who have to experience PMS from the SO’s point of view may have a better perspective than I do.  When you’re in it, you seem perfectly reasonable, and only those on the outside can fully appreciate the lack of rationality [hindsight and all that, but still, during? not so much]

I’m not making any sense here, am I?  Ah well, shit happens.

So have I mentioned that I want to live in a commune?  Or Intentional Community as they’re called now.  Steve and I are looking into starting one with another couple.  It’s mostly a cost-sharing community, with a little ‘love others’ thrown in because we’re trying to follow Jesus [I’m boycotting the term ‘christian’ for now, since it’s become a derogatory term…just call me a ‘follower of Jesus’ please.  It seems that a good portion of Christians don’t exactly follow JC, anyway.  I’ll probably get over it in a week or two and go back to Christian ’cause it’s easier to say, but for now…]

That was an admittedly jacked-up paragraph, but I’m in that kind of mood.

Oh, and here’s a pisser.  I quit smoking ten years ago in March 2006, and recently, I smoked a cigarette.  Holy crap!  I love stimulants, but most of ’em screw my heart up so bad I think I’m dying [and a good portion of ’em are illegal, and I don’t exactly relish the thought of getting arrested] so anyway, I decided to mooch a cig off a friend, just to see.

I’d forgotten how nice it is.  My scattered brain organizes itself, my creativity flows, and even my conversations with God become more meaningful.  And I calm down.  That’s the freaking kicker because I’m usually pretty high-strung and I’ve been irritable as hell lately, so anything that will help with that is necessary.

I always go outside, because I’m not gonna expose my kids to the second hand smoke, but I gotta tell you, I really like it!
Dammit.

If it wasn’t so bad for me, I’d do it all the time, but as it is, I’m limiting myself to one or less a day [some days it’s four, but I usually resist the next day to make up for it, or to make sure I don’t get addicted].

So yeah, I’m a freaking idiot, but damn, I really like nicotine.  If I could find a healthy alternative, I’d be all over it, but for right now, there are days when nothing hits the spot like a smoke in the shade.

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About Shelbi

Work-at-home wife, mom of three kids, and caregiver for my brother, who has Cerebral Palsy. Never a dull moment, in other words. No idea how much I'll post, since I'm super busy these days, but maybe I'll get over here once in a while.

2 responses »

  1. Vietnamese iced coffee, Shel. Better than Jolt (but lots of calories).

    A commune of non-pseudo-Christian Jesus-followers sounds great. I’m wondering why there isn’t a more powerful grass roots movement in that direction. (As you may know, though, the 7th Day Adventist community never bought into Bush et al.’s conception of Christianity.)

  2. Okay, Doug. Any idea where I might find Vietnamese coffee in Missouri? Do they have it at Starbucks? Believe it or not, too much caffeine messes up my heart too [it skips… palpitations are not fun unless you’re drooling over someone/thing.]

    Why nicotine doesn’t give me palpitations is beyond me [probably too busy screwing up my other organ systems, eh?]

    I didn’t find out until recently, but there are over 700 intentional communities in the US. A good number of them are freaky cult-type things, which is not what I’m interested in at all, but most are pretty neat.

    We actually have several right here in Missouri, which I was surprised to find out. One of the ‘famous’ ones is Dancing Rabbit, which is in Rutelage, Missouri… about 2 1/2 hours from here, so I can’t go join that one.

    We’ll get it figured out, though. Who knows, then I might have something to blog about more than once a week!

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