Ah jeez. I don’t update for over a month and all I got is a whine. For the past few months, I’ve been getting migraines. I had one [a mild one] that lasted several days [hurt like it was thinking about getting worse, but never did] and then it was gone.
A few days later, my joints started hurting like hell, and as I’m typing this, my left hand feels stiff and weird, a little like it’s thinking about becoming numb [and not comfortably so] but not quite there. Sluggish, if you will.
Oh yeah, my BP is still high. I’ve been taking Toprol 50mgs for a while now, and I’ve been doing one of those little BP diaries to check my BP, pulse, and weight twice a day [I gain about 1-2.5 lbs of fluid every day. Probably normal, but I never knew that before]. Anyway, it’s been around 130/84 every time I’ve checked it [that’s the average] but this morning it was 135/100. Which for some reason annoys the hell out of me.
I’m not worried exactly, just frustrated that it’s still high.
But my joints and the amount of pain I’m in is a lot more than usual. Mixing Tylenol and Ibuprofen doesn’t even touch the pain, which sucks, ’cause that’s all I’ve got. Anyway, I went to the doctor today and asked her if this could all be one big disorder.
She did some basic blood work and is in the process of referring me to a Rheumatologist. Oh yeah, I’m on Prednisone [a three week course] which should make for an interesting three weeks, eh? I’ve taken a week’s worth before, and had no real side effects, so I’m curious to see if this time things will be different.
They told me that I should hear something within a week or so about the bloodwork. In the meantime, I’m hoping that the steroids make me feel better.
I’ve had a lot of stuff going on here, hence the no entries for weeks on end thing. I’ve worked up a schedule for weekdays that includes family time every night. The kids love it. They love knowing that every night is a special activity. It’s easy stuff, that only lasts an hour or so, [except Wednesdays which is church night and goes on freaking forever].
It’s nothing big or elaborate, but it’s something that we do as a family together, and just in the couple of weeks we’ve been doing it, we’ve grown closer as a family. I can’t tell you how great that is. I wish we’d been doing it all along, but I’m not beating myself up about it [which is miraculous for me, eh?]
I haven’t been the greatest about living my life outside my head, so this is a big step for me. I’m finished with counseling for now. I usually have a severe bout of depression in the spring, so I’m going to plan to go back in March if I don’t need to see her before then.
I think it was an excellent idea. My counsellor did a great job helping me to find solutions for certain stuff, and reassuring me that some of the stuff I feel guilty about is normal [and okay]. I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I want my life to be like, and that’s good.
So much of my life has been just waiting around for something to happen, and I’m actually making choices and setting goals for myself… getting of my ass and working for what I want for a change.
But you know, one of the things that helped me the most with my counsellor was the day I told her how scared I’d always been that the reason I’d never ‘accomplished’ anything in my life was because deep down I was lazy [be aware that I’m not talking about my husband and kids here. I feel like their wonderful-ness is more about them, and doesn’t have much to do with me. In other words, I have a wonderful life and I know it, I don’t take it for granted, but I didn’t do anything to make it that way. I feel like I just got lucky, you know?]
She said she’d always thought that laziness usually translated into depression. Something clicked and I realized that when I’m not feeling depressed, I am active and a pretty good worker. It’s when the depression starts again that I don’t do much of anything.
You’d think that would give me an ‘out’ so when I’m feeling lazy, I can have an excuse, “Well, I’m just depressed.” But in my mind, it just means that all those times I tried and failed, it wasn’t because there’s something psychically wrong with me, it was just the chemicals getting screwed up [in other words, some defect in my soul wasn’t what caused me not to finish my task. There is something wrong with me, but it’s not my fault. I don’t know if that makes sense or not, but I can’t tell you how good it feels not to hate myself for those times anymore] .
I think if I’d known that’s what was causing me to want to give up, I might have been able to fight it off a little better. Instead, I thought that God was telling me not to go there, or that it wasn’t meant to be, or that I was no good at whatever it was I was trying to do because I suck at everything and I’ll never amount to anything.
Depression is a fucked-up illness, you know?
Anyway, that’s not even close to all the crap I’ve been working through, but I’m hurting like hell right now and need to go to bed.
If I’m not back tomorrow, I’ll at least let you know how the blood tests turn out, eh?