So there was a post at another blog that got me wondering about delusions.  Exactly what are they, and how do you decide when to treat them [and how do you treat them]?

I found a lot of interesting stuff, but can’t remember most of it, and it doesn’t really matter anyway ’cause I’m not much for making sense right now.  I’ve lowered my dose of Prednisone from 50mgs to 40mgs, and have two more days before I go down to 30mgs.

I’m still jittery as hell, and really frantically verbal when I’m around people [and just as opinionated as ever, but way more vocal about it… I’m also a bit paranoid, so I wonder if I’m pissing everyone off I come into contact with as I’m rambling].

So anyway, delusions.  Basically, it’s when you believe something is true in spite of all evidence to the contrary.  Some people believe that they have parasites that are eating their flesh [or internal organs] in spite of diagnostic tests that show their organs are intact.

Other people believe that they have special powers, or abilities, or are connected to someone famous or to God in some special way.

Still others believe that they are being followed, poisoned, tormented by ‘them’ etc.  You get the idea, right?

I would imagine that some people think of belief in God as a delusion, too, so there’s a pretty wide variety of what a delusion is, and I’m curious where the line is between “Quirky” or “Odd” and completely off your rocker delusional.

I think sometimes I’m a bit delusional.  Especially right now, since I’m also really paranoid.  It’s funny in a way that I’m paranoid about being crazy, or becoming crazy, or being delusional since being delusional tends to mean that you’re focusing on things outside yourself that are affecting you, whether physically, mentally, or psychically, so you blame something else for your issues.

So I don’t know what the fuck this is, but it’s irritating.

I know that I’m paranoid about the government.  I think it’s pretty much filled up with corrupt power-mongers who could care less about me and my piddly worries, but the CIA, FBI, and all those other freaky initial groups give me the willies because they have the power to end my life if they want to, and there’s not much I can do about it.

And yet, there’s nothing even remotely remarkable about me, so why would they want to?  Part of me wonders if there’s a big conspiracy to make the American public sick or stupid so we don’t realize that we’re being duped, controlled, brainwashed, and/or killed, and the rest of me says, huh?  That’s a little extreme.  But the fact that the thought seems plausible worries me that I might be on the verge of mental illness.

When I read something about alien abductions or governmental mind control experiments, everything in me says that’s got to be a delusion.  It’s not that I don’t believe it’s possible, it’s just that I think the vast majority of the time the person who feels that they are being tormented/abducted/whatever is delusional.

I don’t believe in aliens, and yet I do believe in spirits, both evil and good, that can influence or affect us, and I do believe in God, so is that a more ‘socially acceptable’ delusion?  Is it different, or the exact same thing taking a different form?

Depends on who you ask, doesn’t it?

So where’s the line between quirky or odd and mentally ill?  If I believe in the possibility of alien abductions but don’t believe I’ve met an abductee, am I okay?  If I believe that I’ve been abducted, but it doesn’t have a detrimental effect on my life, am I okay?

What if it affects my life and the life of my family because I talk about it a lot and try to take precautions to protect them from the aliens [that doesn’t include harming them physically]? Am I delusional then?
Or instead of aliens, what if I believe that the government has it in for me… you get the idea, right?

Or what if I get an incurable illness and believe either that the government caused it because I’m a ‘superior being’ and they want to keep me from reaching my full potential, or that God allowed it to make me an ‘example of suffering’ to others, to inspire them to live for God… is one okay and the other a delusion, or are they both delusions?

What about God?  Is the simple belief in God a delusion?  If it isn’t, but I also believe that God guides us, is that a delusion?  Or what if I believe that God can and does speak to me, and tells me what to do and how to act, what’s right and wrong… is it only a delusion if I think he’s telling me to kill or hurt people, or is it a delusion if he’s telling me to do good, too?

Yeah, I think Prednisone is some wicked shit.  It’s not that I don’t think about this kind of crap fairly regularly, but I don’t usually admit it in public.

I don’t think I’m delusional, but I worry that I may get that way as I get older.  I like spiritual stuff, ‘woo-woo’ things, stuff that can’t really be explained, but it’s not taking over my life or anything.  I’m just interested in it ’cause it’s kinda weird, you know?  But I worry that at some point the interest may become unhealthy, or that I might start to believe something even though there’s no possible way it could be true, and I just don’t know where the line is.

I don’t ever want to think that someone is out to get me [even if they are], and I worry like hell when other people say they’ve had a ‘word from God,’ and yet I feel like he speaks to me sometimes in very personal ways.  But I strongly disagree with other people who feel like God’s spoken to them about some of the same things [you know, like Dobson and the Prez], so who the hell’s right?  Are we both delusional?

I think my way’s better because it doesn’t include hurting, maiming, hating, or killing anyone, but I don’t have any power to spread the message, and the violent people do.  But I still come back to the possibility that I might be the one who’s wrong here.  I read the same Bible the Fundamentalists do, and yet I hear a message of love and acceptance, even in the stuff they interpret as permission to kill or hate others, so I dunno, it’s all fucked up, eh?

Well, again with the not making any damn sense.  Oh well.  Only two and a half weeks of Prednisone left. I fully expect to be normal again soon.  These entries should be good for a giggle in a couple of years.

Peace out, y’all.


About Shelbi

Work-at-home wife, mom of three kids, and caregiver for my brother, who has Cerebral Palsy. Never a dull moment, in other words. No idea how much I'll post, since I'm super busy these days, but maybe I'll get over here once in a while.

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