Still Crazy


Tomorrow, I lower my dose of Prednisone to 30mgs. I’m getting closer, but this shit is literally making me crazy. I can’t even believe how much energy I have, but it’s all angry, agitated, and antisocial.

Everything pisses me off. I’m exhausted and need about three days of sleep, but I can’t sleep because my brain won’t shut the fuck up. Michaela turns three on Sunday, and I just want to forget about it. We’re just having Steve’s family up because I don’t really like doing big birthday parties and my family lives too far away to come anyway, but I don’t want to have anyone over.  I just want to be alone.

I miss my mom and dad. We have wonderful friends here, but part of me wants to move back home so I can have some much needed support [and free babysitting] for when I go back to college.

Oh, and if I get one more phone call from the damn Republican party I’m gonna scream. They called and asked if I was gonna vote for Jim Talent in November a few weeks ago, and I said no, which must have flagged my phone number so they can call and tell me how horrible Claire McCaskill is. [I never knew about this site until right now, but it is all about how the different political candidates have voted in the past. The link goes to Talent’s record, if you’re interested.  I disagree with him in about 85% of his issues, so to me, his record proves just how horrible he is, so why the fuck would I vote for him, eh?]

Besides, McCaskill’s a politician, so that’s an automatic ticket to horrible-ness.

We have that damn Amendment 2 that’s up for vote, too. My church put up a sign on their marquee that says, “Vote NO on Amendment 2.”  I tend to disagree with that stance so it annoyed me that they put the sign up because it looks like it’s speaking for everyone in the church, but they’re not.

I understand completely that my gripe is petty and piddly and maybe that’s my point.  I want to pick fights with people.  I want to argue and debate stuff with no thought to how my words sound or affect the other person, and if you’ve spent much time reading this blog, you know that that’s nothing like how I normally am.

Ordinarily, I’m all about keeping the peace with all people.  I’m about empathy and understanding the other person’s viewpoint.  Usually, I’m about loving my God and my neighbor and myself, and right now, I just want to punch somebody.

I don’t even care who it is, I just want to fight and debate about anything and everything.   If I could talk to  God face to face, I’d want to tell him everything he’s doing wrong in the world right now [and I know, God isn’t wrong, which is more evidence of my level of insanity].

I’m harmless in a physical sense.  I’m not gonna actually hit anybody, but I’m finding it extremely difficult to keep my opinions to myself, and I know that sometimes when you express yourself in as blunt a fashion as I’m prone to, feelings could get hurt.  I struggle with that when I’m not on psycho-making drugs, and recently I’ve mostly gotten it under control, but right now, not so much, which makes me nervous, eh?

Okay, I have to go now.


About Shelbi

Work-at-home wife, mom of three kids, and caregiver for my brother, who has Cerebral Palsy. Never a dull moment, in other words. No idea how much I'll post, since I'm super busy these days, but maybe I'll get over here once in a while.

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