Because I Can’t Freaking Sleep

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Random thoughts.  I have to teach Sunday School in the morning.  Steve and I slept late this morning, so I’m wired, even though it’s after midnight.  I go down to 10mgs of Prednisone tomorrow.

Yay.  I’ve almost survived it.  And I’m almost back to normal.

You know, there’s a part of me that gets embarrassed when I blog about sex.  Which is weird, since I grew up in a home that was pretty open about it.  My mom made sure I knew all the gory details the first time I asked [at about age 5 or 6].  I don’t think she anticipated my near-perfect auditory recall.

I shared all those gory details with anyone who would listen, too.  It’s probably a good thing we never went to church when I was a kid.  I might have been excommunicated as a kid.  Okay, not really, but I might have been scarred for life since I was uber-sensitive as a kid and would have died if an adult would have told me something I’d done was inappropriate.

We drove an hour and a half to eat dinner with Steve’s family tonight.  I managed not to wring anyone’s neck, so that was good.  I have good in-laws, but I get annoyed sometimes, and with me still being a bit erratic from the Prednisone, I was worried that Steve’s aunt would say something that hit me wrong and I’d let her have it.

I didn’t, though, so it was all good.

We listened to Nickelback all the way there, so I was happy when we got to the restaurant.  The food sucked, though.  I should have ordered something from the menu instead of eating the buffet, but I was thinking about money.  Oy.

I thoroughly enjoyed the live chat at Doug’s place.  I’m gonna have to get me one of those cameras and hook it up.  Actually, I might have one that I forgot about.  It’s in a box some where, though, and we have a lot of freaking boxes.

This is mostly an anonymous blog, even though I write about personal stuff, but I don’t think I’ve ever used my last name, although I have said where I live.  I don’t know why I think I shouldn’t tell people my last name.  I think it’s my natural tendency toward paranoia.

That, and I’m the only Shelbi _____ in the freaking world.  Weird first name spelling combined with a rare last name would make it really easy for anyone to find me.  I think I started out being careful because I didn’t know how many readers I’d have.  It’s probably safe to say that I’m never gonna have a lot.

I’m not good at sticking to one topic, I’m not good at being ‘provocative’ and I hate soap-opera shit anyway, so even if I tried it, I couldn’t maintain it for any length of time.  So I do random stuff about the things I think about, and I’m okay with that, you know?

Not interesting, necessarily [although a lot of people come see my post about Brazilian waxing] but it’s cathartic, so I continue.

Steroids have killed my libido.  It wasn’t that great to begin with [I’m okay having sex 2-4 times a month… which is a stark contrast to Steve, who would like to have sex at least every other day, and once every day would be even better].   I don’t know if we’ll ever be perfectly compatible in this area.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy sex, because I do.  But with it being as much work as it is for me to reach orgasm [remember, I have to have a plug-in close by or it’s a no-O] I just think to myself, “Damn, I’m tired.  It’s gonna take this long, and then we have to… blah blah blah.”

I know that sometimes I should just do a ‘quickie’ [our term for no vibrator, and no orgasm for Shelbi] but I don’t want to.  I get all angsty and depressed sometimes feeling guilty because I don’t want to mess with sex unless I can come, too, but I don’t want to put forth all the effort it takes to have an orgasm, so poor Stevie just gets no sex [well, no partner sex anyway].

In Christian circles, they pretty much tell us to ‘do our duty’ but I’m not much for duty.  If I ‘have’ to do something, I’ll avoid it even more usual, which is obviously not what I want to do here.

And the thing is, I want to have more desire for sex, I just don’t know how to kick start my libido, you know?  I don’t really know what has caused it to be so low [well, I think the prednisone has made it even worse than usual, but I never have much].  So I have no idea what I need to do to increase it.

I’ve wondered about creams and stuff [is it testosterone cream?] but I haven’t had the courage to ask my doctor about ways to increase my libido.  It makes me nervous, just because it’s so personal [and face to face is way different than blogging about it] and the ‘what ifs’ could make me crazy.

My biggest fear is that I’ll tell her and either she’ll blow me off [which she’s never done, so I don’t think that’s a realistic fear] or we’ll try everything available and nothing will work.  I don’t know why having a problem with a possible cure [that I’m not using] is preferable to  trying to fix it and finding out the cures don’t work for me, but I think that might be the issue, here.

I dunno.

Michaela is crying, so I guess I’m done for now.

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3 responses »

  1. Increasing libido: assuming you’re premenopausal, don’t mess with hormones. (For postmenopausal women, it’s important to choose the patch over oral estrogen.)

    Get enough sleep.

    Feed the kitty. (Read erotica, write erotica, watch porn, whatever it takes.)

    Bring your hubs in on the discussion, since if he knows you’re motivated, that will motivate him, too.

  2. Good sex is a spectrum. Truthfully, I think we have a lot of myths about sex in our society. That women must orgasm 24/7/365 is one of the big ones in my opinion.

    There’s nothing wrong with extra help. Pretty much anything that leads to satisfaction (barring the obvious exceptions) is good in my book.

    And mismatched libidos are normal, not a sign of a problem (well, except for extreme cases which are pretty obvious). All too often we assign a value judgement when we don’t have to.

    I hate beer. My husband loves it.

    I hate fish. My husband loves it.

    I can’t stay up late, he can party all night long.

    He has a strong sex drive, I don’t, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have fun. 🙂

    M

  3. Yes, well, my mind knows those things, I’m just having a pity party, you know?

    I get angry sometimes that things aren’t just easy. I know that makes me a big baby, and I know what I have to be grateful for, but still, on occasion, I sometimes feel sorry for myself.

    I’m sad today, and not making much sense, but thank you, Doug and Michelle, for stopping by and taking the time to comment.

    I’ll be better tomorrow, I think.

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