Random thoughts. I have to teach Sunday School in the morning. Steve and I slept late this morning, so I’m wired, even though it’s after midnight. I go down to 10mgs of Prednisone tomorrow.
Yay. I’ve almost survived it. And I’m almost back to normal.
You know, there’s a part of me that gets embarrassed when I blog about sex. Which is weird, since I grew up in a home that was pretty open about it. My mom made sure I knew all the gory details the first time I asked [at about age 5 or 6]. I don’t think she anticipated my near-perfect auditory recall.
I shared all those gory details with anyone who would listen, too. It’s probably a good thing we never went to church when I was a kid. I might have been excommunicated as a kid. Okay, not really, but I might have been scarred for life since I was uber-sensitive as a kid and would have died if an adult would have told me something I’d done was inappropriate.
We drove an hour and a half to eat dinner with Steve’s family tonight. I managed not to wring anyone’s neck, so that was good. I have good in-laws, but I get annoyed sometimes, and with me still being a bit erratic from the Prednisone, I was worried that Steve’s aunt would say something that hit me wrong and I’d let her have it.
I didn’t, though, so it was all good.
We listened to Nickelback all the way there, so I was happy when we got to the restaurant. The food sucked, though. I should have ordered something from the menu instead of eating the buffet, but I was thinking about money. Oy.
I thoroughly enjoyed the live chat at Doug’s place. I’m gonna have to get me one of those cameras and hook it up. Actually, I might have one that I forgot about. It’s in a box some where, though, and we have a lot of freaking boxes.
This is mostly an anonymous blog, even though I write about personal stuff, but I don’t think I’ve ever used my last name, although I have said where I live. I don’t know why I think I shouldn’t tell people my last name. I think it’s my natural tendency toward paranoia.
That, and I’m the only Shelbi _____ in the freaking world. Weird first name spelling combined with a rare last name would make it really easy for anyone to find me. I think I started out being careful because I didn’t know how many readers I’d have. It’s probably safe to say that I’m never gonna have a lot.
I’m not good at sticking to one topic, I’m not good at being ‘provocative’ and I hate soap-opera shit anyway, so even if I tried it, I couldn’t maintain it for any length of time. So I do random stuff about the things I think about, and I’m okay with that, you know?
Not interesting, necessarily [although a lot of people come see my post about Brazilian waxing] but it’s cathartic, so I continue.
Steroids have killed my libido. It wasn’t that great to begin with [I’m okay having sex 2-4 times a month… which is a stark contrast to Steve, who would like to have sex at least every other day, and once every day would be even better]. I don’t know if we’ll ever be perfectly compatible in this area.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy sex, because I do. But with it being as much work as it is for me to reach orgasm [remember, I have to have a plug-in close by or it’s a no-O] I just think to myself, “Damn, I’m tired. It’s gonna take this long, and then we have to… blah blah blah.”
I know that sometimes I should just do a ‘quickie’ [our term for no vibrator, and no orgasm for Shelbi] but I don’t want to. I get all angsty and depressed sometimes feeling guilty because I don’t want to mess with sex unless I can come, too, but I don’t want to put forth all the effort it takes to have an orgasm, so poor Stevie just gets no sex [well, no partner sex anyway].
In Christian circles, they pretty much tell us to ‘do our duty’ but I’m not much for duty. If I ‘have’ to do something, I’ll avoid it even more usual, which is obviously not what I want to do here.
And the thing is, I want to have more desire for sex, I just don’t know how to kick start my libido, you know? I don’t really know what has caused it to be so low [well, I think the prednisone has made it even worse than usual, but I never have much]. So I have no idea what I need to do to increase it.
I’ve wondered about creams and stuff [is it testosterone cream?] but I haven’t had the courage to ask my doctor about ways to increase my libido. It makes me nervous, just because it’s so personal [and face to face is way different than blogging about it] and the ‘what ifs’ could make me crazy.
My biggest fear is that I’ll tell her and either she’ll blow me off [which she’s never done, so I don’t think that’s a realistic fear] or we’ll try everything available and nothing will work. I don’t know why having a problem with a possible cure [that I’m not using] is preferable to trying to fix it and finding out the cures don’t work for me, but I think that might be the issue, here.
Michaela is crying, so I guess I’m done for now.