I’m sad today. I’m not sure why, exactly. Maybe it’s the steroids [they’ve been getting the blame a lot lately, haven’t they?] I dunno.
I suppose it could be a depression thing. God knows I’ve been irritable lately [that’s my biggest manifestation of depression. Isn’t my family lucky?] I’m giving this a bit more time, but then I may have to go back on antidepressants.
I hate the way they make me feel numb emotionally, but if I can’t get my mood under control, I may just have to deal, eh?
Depression sucks. If you’ve never had it, you really can’t understand what it’s like to feel angry and sad and be helpless to just ‘get over it.’ Not only that, but there’s really no reason for it. I have a good life. Unusually good, and yet I want to cry.
I’m also feeling a lot of guilt, which is another good indicator for depression [for me at least]. I feel guilty that I’m depressed and not being as good as I should be. I’m in a bad place right now, I guess. So much so that I shouldn’t even be blogging about it. I’m just gonna whine here, so don’t bother to finish this.
I want so much to be better at life, you know? I hate that I can’t get my house clean, even though I’m here all day long. I hate that I’m not organized, and because of that, I suck at paying bills on time. And money is tight, so if we fuck up too much, it’s near impossible to get caught up.
Luckily, most of our bills are automatic withdrawals [as many as can be, and all of the big ones] so things won’t get to the bankruptcy [or foreclosure] stage again. It’s just hard to fall so short so much of the time.
I don’t know why I’m miserable right now, but I am. I feel guilty because I’m not as good a mom as my kids deserve, I’m not as good a wife as my husband deserves, I’m a crappy housekeeper, and sometimes I’m not a very nice person, either.
Most days now, I can be realistic and honest and not hate myself because most days, I can see what’s real and what’s true and what’s my own self-talk lying bullshit.
Today, I’m just not sure. I need to sleep.