Well, this is a surprise. For the past few days, I’ve been more irritable than usual which is usually the first sign of depression for me. Last night, I realized I felt sad. I don’t know why it takes me a while to figure this out, but it kind of sneaks up on me when I’m not looking, you know?
So this morning [this afternoon, actually] I was pissed off for no reason. It was bad. I felt the same rage I do when I’m on steroids, which is white hot in intensity.
I’ve been wanting to run away again. This has happened before, and it scared the hell out of me the first time, let me tell you. I’ve made a commitment to my husband and kids to be here until the end of time, so wanting to run away and start a new life can be, um, disconcerting at the least.
I don’t really want to find a new family [been there, done that, you know?] but I want to run away and start over by myself. Minus the pressure, I guess? Only being responsible for and to myself sounds like a dream. It would be for a week or two, maybe a month or two, but then I’d want to come back to my family.
I think I need to get away for a while, and I don’t really see any way to accomplish it, you know?
I’m having a lot of anxiety about these damn scholarship applications for nursing school. I’ve been out of the workforce for over ten years, so letters of recommendation have to come from friends, ’cause that’s all I have. Also, I’ve only got until July 2nd to get the forms mailed out to people and get them back, which makes me nervous, too.
I was excited about actually having a career and being a ‘professional’ and making a decent wage only a week ago. Now I’m scared as hell and just want to be an artist. Maybe writing and art are my fallback dreams when real life gets too difficult? Fuck if I know what the deal is.
Depression also makes me want to write. Not being depressed makes me want to get out and live. It looks like I can’t have it both ways, doesn’t it? I’m just sad and confused about life. My religion [well Christianity] is pretty much gone. I still believe in God, but I think I’m more agnostic than Christian now. I guess I’m just not wired up to be closed-minded.
I should have known it was a bad fit 13 years ago, but I loved Steve and figured since I didn’t really have a religion of my own, I’d try his. It seemed to work for a while, as long as I didn’t ask any of the hard questions, as long as I just accepted on faith that the Bible was true, that it was God breathed. Well, maybe it was God inspired, but men wrote it, and in my experience, men [and women] are a pretty fucked up lot and their heart issues tend to run over into other areas.
So I think some of those men had preconceived ideas about right and wrong and stuck them in there, thinking they must have come from God. I think most people have a picture of God in their minds that is really a big mirror. As I’ve gotten less judgmental and more loving, ‘God’ has begun to care less about a person’s religion and more about their hearts.
It just makes sense to me that if an Atheist is a great humanitarian and does a lot to help out the human race, then they’d be a helluva lot better in God’s eyes than a lot of Christians I know. That totally takes Jesus out of the picture, and that’s what would get me into trouble with Christians, but somehow I think Jesus himself would approve.
He was all about ripping the religious leaders a new one by telling the general population that they could all come to God and didn’t need to be great followers of the law. And yet, many of the Christians of today have begun to make the faith all about obeying the laws. Even making it so that no one who doesn’t accept Christ as savior gets to heaven is following a ‘law.’
In my eyes, it’s just as evil as the people who said you must be circumcised to become one of God’s people [interestingly, the Jewish faith acknowledges that non-Jews can go to heaven, and they have fewer rules to follow than Jews do. How the fuck did Christians get so backward? Jesus came to show that anyone could come to God, and we’ve made it that no one can, except the ‘few,’ which of course doesn’t include any other faiths.]
It’s been at least a month since I went to church. I had to go to a ladies’ Bible study a couple of Thursdays ago, and it was difficult. I’m not angry at Jesus or God, ’cause I know that they didn’t cause their followers to become stupid shits. Like I said, a person’s religion is just a mirror of their own hearts, and if their hearts are judgmental, closed-minded, or vengeance oriented, then their religion becomes that, too.
That’s why some people of all religions [even atheists] ‘get it.’ They believe the same basic things because their hearts are true. The names they give their ‘creator’ or higher power are irrelevant because at the heart, the beliefs are the same. And some people of all religions are idiots, and their religions follow suit.
The sad thing is, there are a lot of sincere Christians [like I was] who believe the crap they’ve been taught and embrace the ugliness of another person’s heart, accepting it as Truth, when it’s just a pitiful lie. They try to make it fit, but end up like I did: depressed, miserable, and desperately thinking/praying, “There’s got to be more than this.”
I think a lot of people wrongly begin to believe that following Jesus, or believing in God is evil. It’s not the divine that is evil, it’s the heart of the person spewing the bullshit that is evil.
It’s funny, because Jesus said you have to be ‘born again’ in order to be able to see the kingdom of heaven.
The kingdom of heaven is right here, and after you have the ‘epiphany,’ a point in your life where you embrace love over hate, you can see pieces of heaven everywhere. Your heart has joy because you begin to be able to look upon even the unloveliest with love and compassion.
Jesus was a magnificent example of what that looks like. He loved his enemies and accepted his fate, probably knowing that by dying his teachings would live on. He probably hoped that as time continued, that more and more people would look at his example of love and see the truth in what he did. He wanted others to experience the kingdom of God as much as he did.
The church of 400 or so CE wanted to control the people, so they distorted his message and used it to control people, the same way the Pharisees did in Jesus’s day. Sad, but true.
Jesus was a son of God the same way that we all are sons and daughters of God. He ‘got it’ more than we do, and that’s why he is such a great example to aspire to. That’s it, though. Any one of any religion can look at Jesus, or Buddha, or Gandhi, plus various other great souls, and find the truth. If you follow Buddha, guess what? You’re following what Jesus taught. And if you follow Jesus, guess what? You’re following what Buddha taught.
And I didn’t make that up, either.
What sucks, though, is as you can see, I don’t really fit in at church anymore, and that’s where my friends are. So I’m alone again, and that makes me depressed. I can’t go back to the way I was before, because I know better now. But that leaves me floundering about because my husband is still a Christian [although a good one] and wouldn’t go into a different religion.
My kids ask about going to church, and I feel guilty because I don’t take them. But hearing what they teach makes me angry, and I don’t think I can deal with it on a regular basis, you know? I certainly don’t want my kids exposed to the negative side of Christianity, either.
I could go to a Unity Church if they had one here, but the nearest one is an hour and a half away. I guess I could ‘attend’ an online church, but that doesn’t answer the need my kids have.
It’s funny how when I’m depressed, I always struggle with religion. I know that I need some kind of faith/religion in my life. I’m ‘spiritual’ I guess 😉 but Christianity in evangelical terms doesn’t fit me anymore.
I think I may be nearing a ‘coming out’ post/talk/e-mail or something to my friends. I’ve broached the topic with one of my friends, but I lose the words in anger. I still feel betrayed by the religion, I guess. I’ve been trying to reconcile my beliefs with continuing to attend my church, but my church bases its entire faith on believing that Jesus is the only Son [capital S] of God, the Savior of the world, and the only way to heaven.
Is it even possible to reconcile myself to that?
Well, I’m still depressed, still confused, still angry, and still. So I guess I’ll probably be blogging again until this lifts.