Stupid conscience.


So my mom offered to keep my three year old daughter at her house for the eleven months that I go to LPN school.  She lives three and a half hours away.

Mom e-mailed me and said, “Sometimes you have to sacrifice to succeed.  Is this one of those times?”  And I thought of my baby daughter, who will only be this age once, and I realized that I can’t possibly bear the thought of letting her go anywhere for a year.

I looked at her today, and noticed every little mannerism, every cute thing she did, her gorgeous eyes and smile, and I realized that in a year, all of that will be different, and a new child will have taken her place.

So now I’m thinking.  Do I have any other options?

I am incredibly picky about who watches my kids.  I’ve had friends who I thought would be good with them, and they were complete jerks to my babies.  It wasn’t anything horrid, but if they were harsh for no reason, or didn’t seem to enjoy them [or love them] I couldn’t do it again.

No one will love them like I will.  My mom and dad come close, and if we lived closer, she would be my babysitter, no question.  But 180 miles is too damn far.  And the one person that I would have trusted from here to take care of my kid  is not doing daycare anymore, and the other person already has a job, working days.

I need to talk to Steve and he’s asleep.  Dammit.  I really think that I’m going to put it on hold until she goes to kindergarten.

The thing is, we are surviving on what Steve makes.  The budget is incredibly tight, but we have enough money to take care of all of our needs [most of the time], and a few of our wants.  If it was an issue where we were going hungry, the sacrifice would be a no-brainer, but this is really about trying to reach a point where we’re comfortable.

We live on the edge of financial ruin, and have for over ten years now, but we’ve always made it through.

My desire to get a job is partly to give me something to do that will help me feel worthwhile in society, with family and friends, but mostly, it’s so we don’t have to worry so much about finances.

So if I send Michaela to my mom’s, am I sacrificing watching her grow up for money?  Is it worth it?  Is money more important than spending time with my child?

That’s kind of a no-brainer, too, isn’t it?


About Shelbi

Work-at-home wife, mom of three kids, and caregiver for my brother, who has Cerebral Palsy. Never a dull moment, in other words. No idea how much I'll post, since I'm super busy these days, but maybe I'll get over here once in a while.

2 responses »

  1. Can Mom come live with you guys?

    That said, raising Michaela makes you worthwhile in society. Period. But the money issue, that one’s truly valid. Good luck!

  2. Pingback: Balls and Walnuts - more than you ever wanted to know » Thirteen numbers: FINISHED!

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