Shower, Ibuprofen, nerve pill. And even though I wanted to take lot of nerve pills, I only took one.
I think it’s pretty sad when things look so bad you use substances to numb the pain. It’s not really numb, though. Mostly I’m just too tired to cry anymore. Well, almost.
I think this is called despair. I first found this thing when I was very sincerely a Christian. It might have been a year [maybe less] since my conversion when something started to go wrong. I was doing the things I was supposed to, I was loving God and trying to grow closer to him through prayer and study, I was going to church and taking a class on discipleship.
What I honestly don’t understand, and what destroys me, is that the more I studied and prayed, the more miserable I got. Why? How did something that was supposed to be so wonderful, that was supposed to make me holy and perfect, end up making me so incredibly miserable?
What did I do? Why wasn’t I worthy enough for God to help me? Why wouldn’t he show me the way out? Why did the church I was in start out a loving place to be, and by the time I left, it was completely dark there? Did I cause that? How could my sincere heart cause something so horrible?
I stayed there, hoping that my ‘dry spell’ would finally come to an end. I waited over seven years. Then we left the church and moved to a different church. It had a completely different atmosphere, but nothing changed.
I had begun to be suspicious of the church, I guess. I just know that when I went into Christianity, I was fairly happy. When I came out, I was in a chronic state of clinical depression that lasted for three years, non stop, and a few more with intermittent spells of it.
So many people testify how God changed their lives and made it better. How he’s helped them to deal with issues and heal. If God is real, he made me do it myself.
There’s one lady who talks about how God reaches down and rescues you from ‘the pit’ I prayed, believed in faith, prayed some more, and even tried to get counselling [but financing fell through] but nothing changed. The pain in my soul was so great, it almost destroyed me, and yet… nothing.
So we moved after Steve got his assignment, and I was feeling better because I got on medication for my depression. It was a temporary fix, but it allowed me to function, although from a numb place. I looked at churches here, knowing that God would lead us to the right church.
We were here to start over in a way, and I figured, maybe at last the drought would end. Maybe I would find some people who could guide me and help me find where I had gone wrong earlier [this was before my search into other religions].
I found a decent church, and some good friends within that church, but still the issues within the church detract from its purpose. And still, the drought.
I began to learn about self-talk through reading books, and eventually was able to largely control my depression without medication, just through the power of paying attention [and controlling] what my dominant thoughts are.
I read some books on post-modern thought, and how to be relevant to the current times as a Christian. I kept thinking that there has to be a way to be so close to Christ that you just glow, or have some kind of something like he did, and then people would see the light and, you know, go toward it like little bugs or something.
I was dealing with my depression on my own, and figuring out how to direct my own life because most of my life has been about waiting. And things started to come together.
But my spiritual hunger was still there, and Christianity, whether through a fault of my own, or of the religion, failed miserably. And that’s completely backward from what you hear people say about it.
Maybe it was my own fault, although I would think that a true conversion, a sincere heart and a willingness to trust and learn from my ‘elders’ would count for something?
My anger has come out as being aimed at the church, because if it wasn’t me, and it wasn’t the church, then it must be God. And if it’s God, is he unwilling to help me because he loves me and wants me to learn something from this?
What I’ve learned is that if anything is going to be accomplished, it will only happen through my own efforts. Shit. That’s not Christianity.
If it’s God, is he unwilling to help me because I’m not worthy?
Is it because he really doesn’t care about me at all?
Is predestination true and I’m not invited?
If God did this. Wow. Then he really, really hates me, and that really hurts and brings me back to despair.