So. It’s late and time for bed. It’s been a long time since my despair post, and I feel like I should update and let y’all know I’m not dead. In fact, I’m really, gloriously alive, and it’s all good.
Weird how that happens, eh?
What’s happened is miraculous. There’s just no other way to describe it. The night I wrote my last post, I had just spent a couple of hours curled up in the fetal position on my bedroom floor, sobbing and praying incoherently.
There was a wound in my past, from over ten years ago, that had been re-opened. It was something I didn’t even know I was still carrying around, but once it was healed, all of my questions and doubts about Christianity were just. Gone.
I know now exactly what I believe, and in Whom, and even why, and I can’t tell you how wonderful that feels after over ten years of flailing around, trying to figure out why my heart felt dead.
It wasn’t. I never completely turned away from Christianity, and I know now that God was always with me, but I sure couldn’t see, feel, or hear him, except for tiny pinpricks of light in a big-assed swamp of darkness.
I sure didn’t like much of the past ten years of my spiritual life, but now, I’m actually thankful for it. I gained some wisdom, which I now remember asking God for a long time ago. And I know that there are people out there, going through exactly the same thing I did, so maybe I can help them in some way, where before, I wouldn’t have been able to.
So I’m moving forward with new, stronger faith than I’ve ever had before. I trust God without reservation now, and I can’t tell you what an excellent thing that is. My despair has been replaced with joy and peace.
I know that there will be other things that I have to go through, but hopefully I will be able to come at them with a different attitude.
I’m out of words for now. I’ll write more later. Steve and I are doing a Marriage workshop thing that is really good. We’re learning how to improve our marriage [there’s always room for improvement, no matter how good things are, eh?] So maybe I’ll tell you about that later.
In the meantime, y’all take care, okay?