Shaya will be ten years old next month. It seems like just yesterday that we were bringing her home from the hospital in a snow storm. I was sitting in the back seat next to her, because I was too nervous to sit in the front with Steve for fear that if she choked or stopped breathing, I wouldn’t know it.
My paranoia has lessened over the years, but I still wonder sometimes if I’m doing enough [or too much] to keep her safe. She’s getting old enough to make her own decisions now. I can’t really make her do anything any more. She has to choose to obey me, and in all honesty, that makes me a little nervous, because I haven’t done the best job of showing her that I’m trustworthy. I’m working on it, going through changes in my heart that affect the way I act.
I’m learning that true love really does let go. It respects another person’s individuality, their free will to do what they deem best, regardless of my opinions. True love puts others first, before self, and even though I’ve said that before, I understand it in a way that I didn’t before.
It’s amazing because the changes in me seem to have had an instant effect on my kids. I’ve been honest about my own struggles, but my attitude and actions toward them have changed to match my words, and they respond like little moths to a flame. I wish I was better than I am, because they deserve a better example, but hopefully I’ll continue to improve, and my prayer is that God will cover my gaps with His grace, you know?