so I’m sitting here, thinking, damn, I should write something. I’ve got so much pent-up stress, maybe i need the relief of venting a little. taking care of jeremi 24/7 kinda sucks. I’m sick of getting stuff for him and putting him to bed and feeding him and cleaning up shit and puke and piss and mucus. I didn’t WANT to do this to begin with. I decided to because the alternative was too horrible to contemplate, but now, here we are, a year into it, and I’m thinking, damn. this is getting OLD. only twenty or thirty years to go!
I dunno. I think I’m just abnormally stressed out and I’ll be better in a few days. steve’s working nights, and that always makes for a rough time for me. he’s gone all night and sleeps all day, so I don’t get to see him, and i also don’t get much [if any] help with J or the kids.
having people come in and help clean and bathe Jeremi started out being a good thing, because frankly, i feel like shit most of the time and all the laundry and dishes get away from me pretty quickly. it only takes a day or two for things to get out of hand, which is too quickly for me to keep up.
I can’t figure out if I’m just lazy or if there’s some kind of horrible exhaustion thing or depression thing or what the hell is going on, all i know is that i know the things I should be doing, but i don’t have the energy [or motivation if i’m just a lazy fucker] to do them. this is one of those times I’d like to run away. not from steve or the kids, just my responsibilities and the inconveniences.
I’m tired and I need some peace. I don’t like jeremi very much anymore. mostly, he annoys the shit out of me. I’m feeling pulled in all directions again, and no one is getting what they need. I sat in here and played computer games all day in an attempt to distance myself from everything. didn’t work, though. I couldn’t leave the house because Shaya isn’t here, and i wanted to get out today…actually, i needed it, desperately.
I guess maybe I should just go to bed and things will look better in the morning. they generally do. yeah, maybe that’s what I’ll do.