So it occurs to me that debate is futile. There are people who would rather die than admit they’re wrong about something. It doesn’t matter one bit if I tackle an argument from my own perspective [which entails loving others as I love myself…and that’s it] or if I tackle it with verifiable facts proving whatever the disagreeing party is saying is completely wrong, the result is exactly the same.
They escalate. They get angry. Sometimes, they walk off in a huff. Other times, they continue to argue until they’re all argued out and then they get even more emotional and lose it completely. Sometimes, they try to condescend and ‘reason’ with me. Sometimes, they tell me I’m stirring up trouble and should shut up to keep the peace.
But not once has anyone managed to come up with anything even remotely resembling a fact that can be verified that proves me wrong.
You’d think that would stroke my ego, but really, it just pisses me off. I’d love to go back to believing what I once believed. I really would. It was so much easier because I didn’t have to fight with everyone around me, I didn’t have to disagree, and I didn’t have to try so hard to find the truth, because it was spoon fed to me. Except it wasn’t the truth. Dammit. And now I can’t un-know it. Dammit again.
It’s like I took that damn red pill.
So I’m frustrated and I’m fed up. People are not my favorite creatures. In fact, they’re right near the bottom at this point.
On the one hand, I see and feel so much pain and suffering it rips my soul in half, and on the other, I see hatred and judgement and no compassion whatsoever, and it rips my soul again.
How the hell did we get here? How is it that we’ve devolved and actually gotten meaner? And I’m not talking about ‘the world’ here. I’m talking about Christians.
I walked away from Christianity a few years ago because I took a good look in the mirror and realized that I had turned into something ugly and judgmental and I couldn’t stand myself that way. I decided I’d rather love people with a genuine, heartfelt love and acceptance, with no agenda, no ulterior motive to convert them, no nothing, than to continue to be such a jerk.
Well, shit happened, and I started praying again recently. Lo and behold, there was God. So I started thinking, He’s still there. Wow. I wonder if I might be able to think about moving back toward Christianity. Maybe find a family again. Maybe find a church home so I don’t feel so alone anymore.
I think I may have stumbled upon my answer, though, and it’s not the answer I’d hoped for. I just can’t make myself go back to being insensitive, judgmental, and mean and calling it love. And I don’t think I can see it in people I care about and not say anything.
My heart is broken because I want so much to find a place to belong, but I know deep down I’m not welcome. Not anywhere. Unless I conform and shut up.
How is it that I’m faced with a choice between staying out of the church and being unspeakably lonely, or going back into it and losing my soul? And how do I keep from being shattered either way.