Well, Crap.


So it occurs to me that debate is futile.  There are people who would rather die than admit they’re wrong about something.  It doesn’t matter one bit if I tackle an argument from my own perspective [which entails loving others as I love myself…and that’s it] or if I tackle it with verifiable facts proving whatever the disagreeing party is saying is completely wrong, the result is exactly the same.

They escalate.  They get angry. Sometimes, they walk off in a huff. Other times, they continue to argue until they’re all argued out and then they get even more emotional and lose it completely.  Sometimes, they try to condescend and ‘reason’ with me.  Sometimes, they tell me I’m stirring up trouble and should shut up to keep the peace.

But not once has anyone managed to come up with anything even remotely resembling a fact that can be verified that proves me wrong.


Not once.

You’d think that would stroke my ego, but really, it just pisses me off.  I’d love to go back to believing what I once believed. I really would.  It was so much easier because I didn’t have to fight with everyone around me, I didn’t have to disagree, and I didn’t have to try so hard to find the truth, because it was spoon fed to me.  Except it wasn’t the truth.  Dammit.  And now I can’t un-know it.  Dammit again.

It’s like I took that damn red pill.

So I’m frustrated and I’m fed up.  People are not my favorite creatures.  In fact, they’re right near the bottom at this point.

On the one hand, I see and feel so much pain and suffering it rips my soul in half, and on the other, I see hatred and judgement and no compassion whatsoever, and it rips my soul again.

How the hell did we get here?  How is it that we’ve devolved and actually gotten meaner?  And I’m not talking about ‘the world’ here.  I’m talking about Christians.

I walked away from Christianity a few years ago because I took a good look in the mirror and realized that I had turned into something ugly and judgmental and I couldn’t stand myself that way.  I decided I’d rather love people with a genuine, heartfelt love and acceptance, with no agenda, no ulterior motive to convert them, no nothing, than to continue to be such a jerk.

Well, shit happened, and I started praying again recently.  Lo and behold, there was God.  So I started thinking, He’s still there.  Wow.  I wonder if I might be able to think about moving back toward Christianity.  Maybe find a family again.  Maybe find a church home so I don’t feel so alone anymore.

I think I may have stumbled upon my answer, though, and it’s not the answer I’d hoped for.  I just can’t make myself go back to being insensitive, judgmental, and mean and calling it love.  And I don’t think I can see it in people I care about and not say anything.

My heart is broken because I want so much to find a place to belong, but I know deep down I’m not welcome.  Not anywhere.  Unless I conform and shut up.


How is it that I’m faced with a choice between staying out of the church and being unspeakably lonely, or going back into it and losing my soul? And how do I keep from being shattered either way.


About Shelbi

Work-at-home wife, mom of three kids, and caregiver for my brother, who has Cerebral Palsy. Never a dull moment, in other words. No idea how much I'll post, since I'm super busy these days, but maybe I'll get over here once in a while.

3 responses »

  1. That is not what Christianity is. Some people/denominations take things in the wrong direction. Remember we are all human and fallible not Gods. “Let him who is without sin throw the first stone.” There is a lot of stone throwing during elections and they will continue. No system is perfect they are run by man/humans.
    Love Mom

  2. I feel the exact same way. I have never met a more hurtful, judgmental group than those that call themselves christians. I began looking elsewhere when I was a teen. Some of the things I heard from the pulpit shocked me and made no sense. Maybe they aren’t all like that, but I’ve not met any that aren’t.

  3. Christianity gave me an excuse to judge and hate others. It brought out exactly the things it was supposed to get rid of. I don’t think Christians realize that the love they profess isn’t real love, it’s judgment and ultimately, hatred for anyone who doesn’t fit the mold. There’s an ulterior motive to ‘convert’ when a Christian becomes friends with a non-Christian. It’s a big lie, and it’s shameful and wrong because we all just want to be accepted, loved, supported, and to know that we matter to someone. Many new converts find that once they become insiders, they only receive love when they’re doing what they’re told, obeying orders, and working their asses off.

    They become isolated from the outside world, and work like slaves ‘for Jesus’ to try to recapture the ‘first love’ of Christ, but they don’t realize it’s not the love of Christ they received, it’s the fake love of manipulation and indoctrination perpetrated by a group of people who just want warm bodies in the seats, willing tithers, and when they can get them, devoted servants. I see it now, and I know it intimately, because I lived it for fifteen years.

    I still wonder sometimes if there is such a thing as the Christianity I was taught existed right when I first became a Christian, but I think the only place you can find that is in individual people, and ironically, you can find them everywhere, regardless of their faith.

    As a group, Christians are a perfect example of mob mentality. They can say and do incredibly evil things as a group that very few of the individuals would do on their own. If you have tendencies toward being judgmental, Christianity is the perfect place to hone those skills.

    If you are a loving person who is truly compassionate toward others, well, some people can operate within the group and remain basically unchanged, but there are others who begin to only feel compassion toward others in their group. It’s ‘us against them’, and there is an agent of Satan around every corner.

    It’s both tragic and infuriating, because as individuals, most of us would never punish our kids for all eternity, but because we begin to believe that God will, suddenly, disowning a kid who doesn’t do what they’re supposed to do becomes acceptable. It becomes a way to ‘love’ them while pretending they don’t exist.

    The sickest irony of modern Christianity is that in the past 2000 years, they have become exactly what Jesus warned them about: a brood of vipers.

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