when i was eighteen, i went through a time when i didn’t really care if i lived anymore. i was supposed to figure out what i wanted to be when I grew up and then to go do it.
well, i never figured it out, but i went on living in spite of the fact that i wasn’t really interested.
i ended up dropping out of college and somehow found a husband instead. he saved me.
almost twenty years have passed, and i now know that at least part of my ambivalence toward survival was a down cycle in my bipolar disorder, but today, i find that knowing what’s happening and why doesn’t reallychange the fact thatmy ambivalencs has returned.
it’s been a long time since i’ve felt this way, and the fact that i’ve been on medication for over a year to prevent these feelings is mroe than a little disturbing.
like so many other things, medication is nothing more than a chemical bandaid and can only stop the bleeding for so long.
this soul deep sadness is nothing more than my spirit’s way of telling me that I don’t have what I need to survive and thrive.
the irony is, i now know exactly what i need, infact, i know what we all need. what we’ve been craving for over ten thousand years now. i know that the system we’re using isn’t broken, but hopelessly flawed, and i despair because i know that i can’t save the world. no one can.
the change that would have to happen is so fundamental, so basic, and naturally so simple as to be something a child could understand and potentiallyimplement if he’s allowed to do what needs to be done.
but my adult self is simply paralyzed. i’ve asked for what i need for decades now, and never really been heard. the lie runs too deep and there’s no way to penetrate it.
my bandaid is failing right now, and all the pain i’ve been ignoring and trying to fix is right there, staring me in the face, and i just want it to end. i’m tired of fighting, tired of asking, tired of clinging to false hope.
we’re devouring ourselves and the entire planet, all knowing that something is missing, but not knowing what that is, or where to find it.
I know, but i’m helpless to get it, to change anything. to make anyone understand, or even care.
at this point, my ambivalence is complete. if it wasn’t for my family, i wouldn’t even bother writing this or continuing this nightmare a minute longer. it’s only for them that i hang on. if it wouldn’t damage them beyond repair, i’d be gone now.
as it is, i’ll probably call the doctor on monday and ask for a bigger bandaid. i can’t fix it. can’t change it. can’t progress. i’m trapped, just like we all are, and unfortunately for me, my anger isn’t there to keep me going anymore. the fight for change is gone, buried in the futility that was there all along
i just want to sleep.
put me back in the matrix. knowing means nothing in the end. it just means a loss of hope.
The truth staring me, and indeed all of us, in the face is the fact that the system isn’t broken. it’s doing exactly what it’s done for the last ten thousand years because that’s the only thing it CAN do. no more than a mouse can grow wings and fly, the system can’t do what we wanted it to do.
there is a fatal flaw, and i can findally see it. unfortunately, it brings home the fact that just being aware of a problem doesn’t necessary give you the ability or even the will to try to change it.
it is what it is, and now I sleep.