Category Archives: Blogging woes

A New Name, A New Purpose

Standard

So I’ve realized that I need a place to vent.  E-mail is okay, except that sometimes I just want to whine like a fiend, and when you whine in an e-mail, people tend to respond.  This is considerably more public, and yet less likely to be read and commented upon.

Weird, I know, but there you go.  What I need here is a place to go to get rid of some of the words that are trying to make my head explode.  I’m living at the farm [AKA my parents’ house] with my husband, my kids, my dogs, my brother, and my parents.  That’s eight humans and two dogs.  In a three bedroom house.  It’s enough to try the sanity of any person, and since I’m half nuts already, I’m in trouble, you know?

I’m far, far away from all my friends, so my face-time [and therefore talking time] is seriously curtailed.  I recently joined Facebook, and realized that I need to write more.  Facebook seems to be something for short updates and a way to keep in touch with people, which is cool, but if you know me, you know I am completely incapable of being short and to the point.

As always, anyone is welcome to read this thing, but be aware that this is my place to vent my feelings, which means it will come out all wrong, and way more vehement than I really feel [exaggeration helps me calm down. so sue me]. so I’m really not asking for any in depth analyzing of my motives or deep conversation.

I just want to whine and write random shit and not have to worry about having to answer for my behavior.  Maybe it’s not the best thing to have a public blog for, but it’s what I need right now, okay?

Advertisements

nervous…

Standard

So I’m nervous about my post from before.  I had hoped to know a little more about [and have a little more experience being] Orthodox Christian before I started writing about it, because quite frankly, I’m an idiot.  I screw things up daily.  I use a lot of profanity, smoke cigarettes, and am generally a prideful, obnoxious, pain in the ass.  If anything, I’m a poster child of what a bad Christian looks like.

I hate to think of writing about Orthodoxy because I’m really, really not qualified.  I’m going to get it wrong.  A lot. And I feel like the Orthodox Faith deserves a better representation than I can give.  In other words, I don’t want something I say lead anyone to believe that all Orthodox Christians are as messed up, disjointed, confused, sometimes rude, and generally incoherent as I am.

There are so many people who can give you whatever answers you need, but I’m probably not that person.  Doesn’t mean I won’t try, but my inadequacies will likely become painfully apparent to anyone who cares to look.  My guess is that I will write quite a bit about random stuff, including religion, and in particular, Orthodoxy, but I’m not a theologian, and I’m not very smart, so don’t expect much, okay? 😛

I’ve put off writing in here for a long time because I’ve begun a journey that I can’t even explain to the people who love me and understand me the most, what makes me think I’ll be able to write it down and do a better job?  Heh.  The answer is: I probably can’t, and I want to.  I want it to be perfectly clear, and perfectly written, and, well, perfect!

But then I think, this blog has never really been about being perfect, so why start trying the impossible now?  This thing is mostly a record of my journey through life.  A way for me to get stuff out of my head so it doesn’t drive me crazy.  Heh.  Consider this my disclaimer.  If you’re looking into the Orthodox Christian Faith, I’ll find some links to post on the side of my blog and you can go there.  If you’re curious about what a crazy housewife/wannabe writer is up to and what she’s rambling aimlessly about now, then read on.

Ten Minutes and Counting

Standard

Okay, ten minutes to blog.  I have no topic, so this is a free write.  Heh.  Prepare yourself for some aimless rambling.

I’m feeling pretty crappy this past week or so.  I started a new writing course by Holly Lisle [Think Sideways] and the first couple of days, I was doing great, and then my energy level plummeted and now I’m struggling to stay awake until bedtime.  Bummer.  So I’m not getting much done right now.  Hence the ten minutes of blogging time.  I figure if I write for ten minutes a day, my blog will start getting some action [and she’s been woefully neglected in the past year or so] and maybe I can get my ‘creative juices’ flowing again, too.

So today, I don’t feel much like writing.  I’ve been doing a book study at church on two books, the first one was called Redemption, and the second one is called Remember.  It’s a series about a Christian family and their struggles.  I fully expected the books to be horribly written, as only Christian fiction can be, but it’s been surprisingly bearable to read.  Karen Kingsbury and Gary Smalley wrote them.  There are some plugs for Smalley’s marriage enrichment seminars and some of his other teaching stuff, but the stories are fairly interesting [if somewhat predictable].

Tomorrow is the last night for the study. To be honest, the main reason I agreed to join the group was so I can learn some of the ladies’ names.  I don’t have them all yet, because the group was quite a bit bigger than I had anticipated, but I have gotten a chance to get to know some of the people a little better, so all in all, I’d say the book study was a success.

Shaya is at my mom and dad’s for a couple of weeks, and then my mom has surgery for a massive hernia on her abdomen on August 6th, so we’ll be going to KC for that, and then the whole family will go to my parents’ house for the week of the State Fair.  Steve is working at the fair again this year, so he’ll be in Sedalia, while the kids, dogs, and I stay with my parents.

I don’t know how conducive having all of us underfoot will be for my mom’s recovery, but maybe we’ll be a good distraction from any pain she might have.  HA!  I’m a little nervous about mom’s surgery, since the last one was such a nightmare [and a supposedly ‘minor’ surgery.  hmph!].  I don’t think she’s taking care of herself still, so who knows how this will turn out.  Ugh.

Hey!  That’s the end of my ten minutes!  Woo hoo!  I’ll talk to you tomorrow.  If I get on a roll, I may extend the time eventually, but for now, this is it.

Still here, been sick.

Standard

Either flu or food poisoning, and it isn’t fun. It’s making me grumpy, shaky, and generally miserable right now, even though I stopped throwing up two days ago.  Yesterday, I spent the day in bed.  Today, I’ve spent the day in the living room. 

Today, i have the shittiest attitude ever, and i’m feeling even more pissed off because this stupid blog program doesnt’ have a stupid auto-correct, so if i want my stupid i’s capitalized, I have to do it myself, and i’m too freaking lazy to do it today.  so no caps for you, friends.

so i’m pissed off for no reason whatsoever.  I think i’m irritated that i’m not better yet.  i still feel kitten-weak, no, de-clawed kitten weak.  my kids are having to fend for themselves.  i did manage to fix dinner tonight [steve is pointless when it comes to cooking].  it even tasted good, so points for me.

i got really dehydrated from my bout of diarrhea and vomiting.  i’m mostly recovered from it, and i ate half a baked potato and a couple of chicken fritters for dinner, even though I wasn’t hungry, so I shouldn’t be so freaking shaky, and yet, my arms are shaky.  WTF?

So my friend lindsay had a flu bug a couple of weeks ago, and she said she felt 100% again after 24 hours, which either means we got a different flu bug or we got food poisoning, which sucks.  Likely candidate?  Salmonella fits every symptom, including the delay in symptoms for me [i got sick a day and a half after steve].  I also read you can be a carrier of salmonella for months after having it, which is gross, and necessitates frequent cleanings of the house, which I physically can’t do right now.

woe is me!  i am whiny, hear me mmmeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooowwwwwww.  sorry, i got no roar. 

so life is on hold, but I’m feeling restless.  in fact, i’m so freaking grumpy, i want to pick a fight with someone, just to start shit.  how pitiful is that?  i’m not gonna, though.  i’ve got a little self-control.  i am going to whine about it to you, though, because if you’re still reading, you’re obviously a very good listener, and a non-judgmental one, at that. 😉  sorry, that made me giggle a little.

so maybe i’m doing better.  hey, let’s see if I can start every single paragraph with the word ‘so’?  what’s that about anyway?  i think it’s one of the dangers of writing with the same ‘voice’ you speak with.  I split my infinitives, end sentences with prepositions, and say ‘so’ and ‘anyway’ and ‘so anyway’ a lot in real life.  I know I shouldn’t, but I likeit.  it’s partly what makes me Shelbi.  hee hee.  [oh yeah, hee hees are multi annoying, and yet, I love them dearly, and use them every chance I get]. 

heh.  so this is me, combative and rude and obnoxious, and believe it or not, i’m keeping it mostly under control here.  my eyes burn, and i’m thirsty, and now steve’s calling me, so I’ll talk to you, later.

Just Checking In

Standard

I’m still here, but busy [and I’ve been sick, and had sick kids and a sick husband for about three weeks now].  Life never ceases to be interesting.  Never easy, it seems, but interesting.  I’ve had some good things happen and some bad shit come back up, making me realize that I still have a lot of crap to deal with, and none of it’s easy.

I’ll write more later, but for right now, this is all the time I have.

Because I Can’t Freaking Sleep

Standard

Random thoughts.  I have to teach Sunday School in the morning.  Steve and I slept late this morning, so I’m wired, even though it’s after midnight.  I go down to 10mgs of Prednisone tomorrow.

Yay.  I’ve almost survived it.  And I’m almost back to normal.

You know, there’s a part of me that gets embarrassed when I blog about sex.  Which is weird, since I grew up in a home that was pretty open about it.  My mom made sure I knew all the gory details the first time I asked [at about age 5 or 6].  I don’t think she anticipated my near-perfect auditory recall.

I shared all those gory details with anyone who would listen, too.  It’s probably a good thing we never went to church when I was a kid.  I might have been excommunicated as a kid.  Okay, not really, but I might have been scarred for life since I was uber-sensitive as a kid and would have died if an adult would have told me something I’d done was inappropriate.

We drove an hour and a half to eat dinner with Steve’s family tonight.  I managed not to wring anyone’s neck, so that was good.  I have good in-laws, but I get annoyed sometimes, and with me still being a bit erratic from the Prednisone, I was worried that Steve’s aunt would say something that hit me wrong and I’d let her have it.

I didn’t, though, so it was all good.

We listened to Nickelback all the way there, so I was happy when we got to the restaurant.  The food sucked, though.  I should have ordered something from the menu instead of eating the buffet, but I was thinking about money.  Oy.

I thoroughly enjoyed the live chat at Doug’s place.  I’m gonna have to get me one of those cameras and hook it up.  Actually, I might have one that I forgot about.  It’s in a box some where, though, and we have a lot of freaking boxes.

This is mostly an anonymous blog, even though I write about personal stuff, but I don’t think I’ve ever used my last name, although I have said where I live.  I don’t know why I think I shouldn’t tell people my last name.  I think it’s my natural tendency toward paranoia.

That, and I’m the only Shelbi _____ in the freaking world.  Weird first name spelling combined with a rare last name would make it really easy for anyone to find me.  I think I started out being careful because I didn’t know how many readers I’d have.  It’s probably safe to say that I’m never gonna have a lot.

I’m not good at sticking to one topic, I’m not good at being ‘provocative’ and I hate soap-opera shit anyway, so even if I tried it, I couldn’t maintain it for any length of time.  So I do random stuff about the things I think about, and I’m okay with that, you know?

Not interesting, necessarily [although a lot of people come see my post about Brazilian waxing] but it’s cathartic, so I continue.

Steroids have killed my libido.  It wasn’t that great to begin with [I’m okay having sex 2-4 times a month… which is a stark contrast to Steve, who would like to have sex at least every other day, and once every day would be even better].   I don’t know if we’ll ever be perfectly compatible in this area.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy sex, because I do.  But with it being as much work as it is for me to reach orgasm [remember, I have to have a plug-in close by or it’s a no-O] I just think to myself, “Damn, I’m tired.  It’s gonna take this long, and then we have to… blah blah blah.”

I know that sometimes I should just do a ‘quickie’ [our term for no vibrator, and no orgasm for Shelbi] but I don’t want to.  I get all angsty and depressed sometimes feeling guilty because I don’t want to mess with sex unless I can come, too, but I don’t want to put forth all the effort it takes to have an orgasm, so poor Stevie just gets no sex [well, no partner sex anyway].

In Christian circles, they pretty much tell us to ‘do our duty’ but I’m not much for duty.  If I ‘have’ to do something, I’ll avoid it even more usual, which is obviously not what I want to do here.

And the thing is, I want to have more desire for sex, I just don’t know how to kick start my libido, you know?  I don’t really know what has caused it to be so low [well, I think the prednisone has made it even worse than usual, but I never have much].  So I have no idea what I need to do to increase it.

I’ve wondered about creams and stuff [is it testosterone cream?] but I haven’t had the courage to ask my doctor about ways to increase my libido.  It makes me nervous, just because it’s so personal [and face to face is way different than blogging about it] and the ‘what ifs’ could make me crazy.

My biggest fear is that I’ll tell her and either she’ll blow me off [which she’s never done, so I don’t think that’s a realistic fear] or we’ll try everything available and nothing will work.  I don’t know why having a problem with a possible cure [that I’m not using] is preferable to  trying to fix it and finding out the cures don’t work for me, but I think that might be the issue, here.

I dunno.

Michaela is crying, so I guess I’m done for now.