Category Archives: WTF?

Having a Moment


Wow. I joined Facebook in 2009, and in that time, became FB friends with three of my former pastors’ wives.  I wasn’t very close to the first one who left, so I wasn’t all that surprised when she defriended me.

The second one left after I disagreed with her about politics. She posted a comment on something I’d written, and I disagreed and told her so.  She got completely irrational and was using a lot of exclamation points by the end of our conversation, and a few days later, I noticed that her name had disappeared from my friends list.

Your number of friends is listed right on your front page, so if you knew how many friends you had, you can’t help but notice when the number gets smaller.  If it’s someone you talk to on Facebook quite a bit, you remember them and just have to check the list to see who’s missing.  If someone leaves that I haven’t spoken to in a long time, I don’t worry about it too much. But I knew I’d pissed off my former pastor’s wife, so I naturally noticed that she’d gone.

Yesterday, my list got one person smaller. I looked at my list and noticed that the people I care about the most and could remember in about ten minutes were still present and accounted for. But this morning, I remembered I hadn’t seen a post by someone who posts quite a bit, so I went to her page to see if I’d missed an illness or something.

You guessed it. The button said, “Add Friend.”

This was the third and final former pastor’s wife.

Now, I know better than most that Christians are just people, and they’re all human, but this one was shocking because when last I’d spoken to her [and not that long ago] we’d been fine. I knew we disagreed on politics, but we just didn’t go there.  We had enough other stuff to keep in touch about, so I just figured I’d avoid commenting on her completely batshit crazy political posts, and she would continue to ignore my occasionally obnoxious, but amazingly fact-based ones [don’t even start. I never post anything I haven’t double checked to be true].

Here’s what gets me, though. I’m a liberal, and such a minority in my group of family and friends that I think I’m beginning to understand how the one biracial kid in my school must have felt being outnumbered and hated by virtually everyone around him. In fact, I’ve let it affect what I post on Facebook, because as much as they’ll deny it, conservatives [and especially conservative Christians] are positively venomous when they disagree with you.

They also assume that you can’t possibly be a good person or a Christian if you’re liberal. Now, I’m not a Christian anymore, but I became a liberal WAY before I deconverted.  One may very well have led to the other, because in order to be a liberal, you have to be willing to admit you’re wrong.  Once I realized that so many things I’d been told and believed about politics were blatantly false,  [and since those things were told to me by my religious leaders…that led me to question Christianity, too] I just couldn’t do it anymore.

Oddly, I’m actually more considerate and genuinely care about the people around me WAY more than I did before, but very few Christians will even admit the possibility that what I say is true.

So this final pastor’s wife de-friending me shouldn’t surprise me, because I’ve known on an intellectual level that she was extremely judgmental and very likely disagreed with me about politics on a very deep level. I suppose I should be happy she just defriended me instead of yelling at me before she left, but on an emotional level, I’m pissed. And I’m pissed because I’m also hurt.

I guess on some level I really really want to be wrong.  I want to believe that everyone can rise above hatred and prejudice and love each other in spite of our differences.  I keep hoping that we’re moving forward instead of backward, and every time some dumbass state passes a new law aimed at subjugating women, or the GLBT community, or some other historically marginalized group of people in ‘God’s’ name, I just sit here flabbergasted as people on FB applaud and scream craziness about taking over the country for God.  And with the same breath, they condemn Muslim theocracies for being evil…seriously?  Talk about the pot and kettle.

All the evidence seems to be pointing to religion being the instigator of all this evil, and that goes against everything I want to believe.  There’s a part of me that wishes I’d just stayed asleep, uninformed, and brainwashed.  Because now, I’m stuck in the middle of a bunch of maniacs who would probably like to beat the hell out of me [or at least get me to shut the fuck up] and I’ve never felt so unspeakably lonely in my life.

How can one person ever make a difference when they’re so outnumbered and considered less than intelligent for disagreeing?  And the damnedest thing is, I’m not wrong, and I’m not stupid. But my voice is being systematically chipped away at.  I can’t even count the number of things I don’t post because I’m actually afraid someone is going to start yelling at me. Or calling me on the phone to beg me to stop talking about what I believe in.

How is it possible that the people who say they love me want me to lie about who I am?  And if I say something they don’t like, they de-friend me?  Is that what love looks like?  Seriously?  How can anyone love their opinions more than they love a fellow human being?


Right now, I pretty much hate everyone.  Thanks for nothing.



So am I the only one who sees the sick irony of our country today?  I hear so many people talking about the government trying to steal our money, and how evil President Obama is for trying to create a healthcare bill that will enable the poorest of us to have access to affordable healthcare, and frankly, I do not understand how we can have so little compassion for our fellow human beings.

How is it possible that we claim to be Christians, but refuse his call to love and compassion as long as we or someone we care about isn’t in trouble? And sometimes even then, we pretty much just offer to ‘pray’.

I went without health insurance for five and a half years, and spent another five years without enough money for the co-pays so I could get the help I needed.  I got a helluva lot sicker than I needed to because I couldn’t afford to see a doctor when my issues were mild.  I remember what it’s like to hope and pray I didn’t get sick and end up in the hospital because there was no way I could pay the bill.

I remember what it was like to go in to the ER without health insurance and be sent home with some pills when I probably should have been admitted and undergone some actual medical testing.  And the few times I did end up getting tested for something [only after we had insurance, but not quite enough to cover my expenses] I remember sobbing because there was no way I could pay the medical bill and feed my kids, too.

I also remember being on Medicaid and going into a doctor’s office for my kids and being treated like I was an uneducated piece of trailer trash who didn’t deserve any respect because I was part of the problem in America, sucking on the government tit. I remember going into the WIC office to get vouchers, and jumping through the hoops of proving I was poor, just so I could pay for formula so my kids could live.  I hated all of it, but I had no choice.  We were in a situation where I couldn’t work because of my health, and Steve had a job, but it didn’t pay well enough to cover our living expenses, let alone pay for health insurance [which wasn’t offered where he worked].

So yeah, I’m all for a healthcare plan that gives the poor access to medical care.  And I’m willing to pay for it even though I’m still not rich, and still living paycheck to paycheck.  Because the ends finally meet at the end, and I’m willing to share what little I have so that others have an opportunity to live a life that’s just a little bit easier than what I’ve been through.

If that makes me a bleeding heart liberal or a moron, then so be it.  At least I never, EVER forget that each and every person on the planet has a soul that is just as sacred as mine is, a human being that is just as deserving of dignity and respect as I am.  Not because they’re extraordinary, or even decent human beings, but because they were created in the image of God, and bear his reflection, no matter how dim it may seem to me.

As for why I support the government using my tax money to help the poor, well, it’s because the people who were supposed to do it dropped the ball in a bad way.  Yeah. I’m talking about the majority of the citizens of the US because most of us claim to be Christians.

If we had taken up the responsibility given to us by Christ himself and taken care of the poor, the weak, the widows, prisoners, and disabled, the government would never have had to step in in the first place.  But we didn’t.  We didn’t give a shit, and let them suffer and die alone.

And so when the government says, “You know what, this is wrong.  We need to do something about it,” Those same “Christians”, who refused to offer succor to the helpless on their own, stand up in protest, saying their money is being stolen from them.

At least the government is trying to help.  Christians today seem more concerned about having their huge church buildings and social clubs than actually doing something useful that will not only give someone immediate relief from suffering, but have eternal consequences as well.  I think it’s a sad sad day when a government as corrupt as ours seems to have more compassion for the weak and helpless than the people who were charged with being a “light in the darkness”.

I can’t count the number of massive buildings I see on the outskirts of town and when I get to looking at them, find out they’re church buildings worth millions of dollars, that cost thousands each week to keep up, that are open for ‘business’ a whopping two or three days a week.  If that was a business, it would be closed down in no time.  I’m sorry, but if you give a quarter of a million dollars to various charities or missionaries or whatever, but spend millions on maintaining your building, where are you really storing your treasures?

I fell into the trap for a long time that said if the political candidate claimed to be a Christian and was against abortion, I was morally obligated to vote for that person.  But once I got to looking at how these people voted for the already born, I found that they did nothing to prevent child abuse, nothing to make sure our children get a good education [and the one time they tried, after it became clear it wasn’t going to work out the way they’d hoped, and became a nightmare for everyone involved, they did nothing to fix it], and were all for killing or at the very least disrespecting anyone who doesn’t believe in Christianity.  Not only that, but they did nothing to make sure that anyone who can’t afford exorbitant insurance premiums and co-pays have access to decent healthcare.

How in the bleeding hell is it better to have no access to healthcare than to have some?!?  How is it better to pay an HMO countless thousands of dollars to tell you that since you’re probably terminal, they aren’t going to pay for your chemo?  Or that since you’re schizophrenic, you’re better off living on the streets with no medication or money than in an institution?  And how much of an asshole does it make the people who say that stuff out loud, whether literally or figuratively through their voting?

Who are you to tell anyone they don’t deserve medication because they don’t have a job?  Who are you to judge someone who doesn’t have a job as unworthy of compassion?  You don’t know their story.  You don’t know how they ended up where they are.  As someone who’s been there, I can tell you that I was never uneducated trailer trash, and even if I had been, I would still deserve to be treated with respect by virtue of my being a living entity on this planet.

Jesus said, “Whatever you do to the least of these, you have done to  me.”  If that’s true, how many ‘Christians’ are gonna feel like shitheels when they see the one they claim to serve?

Tell me this is not typical of Muslims… Please.


By ALFRED de MONTESQUIOU, Associated Press Writer

KHARTOUM, Sudan – Sudan charged a British teacher Wednesday with inciting religious hatred after she allowed her students to name a teddy bear Muhammad, an offense that could subject her to 40 lashes, the Justice Ministry said.

The charge against Gillian Gibbons was sure to heighten tensions between Sudan and Britain. In London, Foreign Secretary David Miliband urgently summoned the Sudanese ambassador to discuss the case, the British government said.

Gibbons, 54, was arrested Sunday after some of her pupils’ parents complained, accusing her of naming the bear after Islam’s prophet. Muhammad is a common name among Muslim men, but giving the prophet’s name to an animal would be seen as insulting by many Muslims.

Prosecutor General Salah Eddin Abu Zaid said Gibbons was charged under article 125 of the Sudanese legal code and her case would be referred to court Thursday.

If convicted, she faces up to 40 lashes, six months and prison and a fine, said Abdul Daem Zumrawi, the Justice Ministry’s undersecretary.

“What will be applied is (at) the discretionary power of the judge to issue the verdict,” he was quoted as saying by the official Sudanese News Agency.

The meeting between Miliband and the Sudanese ambassador to discuss the charge against Gibbons would take place as soon as possible, according to the British Foreign Office.

“We are surprised and disappointed by this development and the Foreign Secretary will summon as a matter of urgency the Sudanese ambassador to discuss the matter further,” said Michael Ellam, a spokesman for British Prime Minister Gordon Brown‘s office.

Miliband would ask the “for the rationale behind the charges and a sense of what the next steps might be” amid an escalating diplomatic dispute in the case, he said.

“We will consider our response in the light of that,” Ellam said.

The Gibbons family declined to speak with The Associated Press, saying the British government had advised them not to comment to the media.

In Khartoum, the British Embassy said diplomats had been allowed to visit Gibbons on Wednesday. “She said she was being well-treated and that she was OK,” said embassy spokesman Omar Daair.

Gibbons was teaching her pupils, who are around age 7, about animals and asked one of them to bring in her teddy bear, said Robert Boulos, a spokesman for Unity High School in Khartoum. She asked the students to pick names for it and they proposed Abdullah, Hassan and Muhammad, and in September, the pupils voted to name it Muhammad, he said.

Each child was allowed to take the bear home on weekends and write a diary about what they did with it. The diary entries were collected in a book with the bear’s picture on the cover, labeled, “My Name is Muhammad,” he said. The bear itself was never labeled with the name, he added.

The Unity High School, a private English-language school with elementary to high school levels, was founded by Christian groups, but 90 percent of its students are Muslim, mostly from upper-class Sudanese families.

Several Sudanese newspapers ran a statement Tuesday reportedly from the school, saying the administration “offers an official apology to the students and their families and all Muslims for what came from an individual initiative.” It said Gibbons had been “removed from her work at the school.”

The Sudanese Foreign Ministry on Tuesday played down the significance of the case, calling it “isolated despite our condemnation and rejection of it.”

Ministry spokesman Ali al-Sadeq said it was an incidence of a “teacher’s misconduct against the Islamic faith” but noted the school’s apology.

The statement from the school in newspapers called it a “misunderstanding.” It underlined the school’s “deep respect for the heavenly religions” and for the “beliefs of Muslims and their rituals.”

Although Khartoum officials played down the case and said it was an isolated incident, Sudan’s top clerics said in a statement Wednesday that the full measure of the law should be applied against Gibbons, calling the incident part of a broader Western “plot” against Islam.

Northern Sudan’s legal system is based on Islam’s Sharia law, which harshly punishes blasphemy. Any depiction of the prophet is forbidden in Islam, for fear it would provoke idolatry. Caricatures of Muhammad in some European media last year sparked riots in several Muslim countries.

The Sudanese clerics said this was blasphemy and believed it was intentional.

“What has happened was not haphazard or carried out of ignorance, but rather a calculated action and another ring in the circles of plotting against Islam,” the Sudanese Assembly of the Ulemas said the statement.

“It is part of the campaign of the so-called war against terrorism and the intense media campaign against Islam,” they said.

Although an earlier report had suggested that only one parent had complained, the clergy statement Wednesday said that several had complained.

There were widespread calls in Britain for Gibbons’ release. The Muslim Council of Britain urged the Sudanese government to intervene.


This makes me ill.  I pray that this type of behavior isn’t typical of Muslims. 

I’m Back! Back in the saddle agaiiiiiin!


What is that song?  It just pummelled me out of no where.

So, it occurred to me that I used to write in my blog a lot, then I didn’t anymore.  Dunno why, just sort of lost interest or something.  Well, that and life got busy for some reason.  Steve and I have friends that we spend a lot of time with, and I talk a lot now, so the need to get the words out is kinda taken care of, well, verbally.

So anyway.  Is anyone else sick to death of Paris Hilton?  What a freaking baby.  Yeah, I’d be scared if I had to go to jail, too, but damn, she should have thought of that before she endangered the lives of possibly hundreds of people by driving drunk.

I mean, come on!  She’s richer than God and she can’t hire a fucking driver?  Gimme a fucking break.  Cry me a river, Paris.  Spend your forty five days in jail and shut the fuck up.  Preferably forever.  Not dead, mind you, just stop being so stupid.  Don’t you realize that there’s more to life than parties?

Go to a third world country and build a school or something.  Do something useful with your life and stop being a waste of good air.  Arrrgghghhh.

Isaiah Washington got fired from Grey’s Anatomy.  Well thank God!  What a dumbass.

So.  My life.  Steve broke his knee playing soft ball a couple of weeks ago.  He ran to catch a ball, but didn’t call it because he didn’t think he’d get there, and another guy did the same thing.  Just as Steve landed on his left knee, the other guy ran into it.  They both heard a loud pop, and it turned out that the his femur and tibia smashed together, and crushed the corner of his tibia.

The doctor called it his “Patella Plateau” but I think he actually meant his “Tibial Plateau.”  Not that it really matters; he broke his fucking knee.  So, no work for three weeks, which was fine since we’d scheduled a three day weekend to go camping, plus a week’s vacation to go to Mexico on a mission trip.

We went camping and Steve got sick.  It scared him [sick, on crutches in Mexico could be really bad, especially if we’re talking about Montezuma’s Revenge  so anyway, we decided to stay home.

Steve’s mom and sister had agreed to keep the kids for the week, and they said they’d go ahead and keep them even though we skipped Mexico, so we’ve had the whole week to be alone.  And together.  Which is actually kinda cool because we still like each other.  I’m pretty impressed with that.

August 19th will be our twelfth anniversary.  We’ve been together 13 and a half years now [good god, has it really been that long?]  I love him even though he’s a dork and broke his knee, just to catch a freaking soft ball.  I should mention that he did catch it and make the out, though.

He heard the pop of his knee and rolled around on the ground in pain for a few seconds, and then he realized that he’d caught the ball and needed to let them know it, so he stopped writhing long enough to hold the ball up and show everyone that he caught the ball.  I really wonder about that boy sometimes.

People have been giving him shit about being older than he thinks, which makes me laugh to no end.  He fully intends to play soft ball again after his six weeks is up.  We’ll see about that.

So anyway, life has been busy, crazy, scary in spots [amazingly, all of his tendons and ligaments are intact, thank God.  That could have ended his career, which is a conversation we’re going to have to have here before too long.  He needs to wait until I have a job that can support us all before he damages himself too bad, you know?  Grr.]  but overall good.

So, now that it’s two in the morning, I think I’ll go to bed.  G’night.



We survived the youth retreat this past weekend, and I actually like teenagers!

Steve and I were youth leaders a looooong time ago, and we were horrible at it, but I’m finding out that we also had a horrible group of teenagers.  They were very critical of us and our techniques, and they didn’t really participate, but we might not have sucked as much as we thought, because the group of teens this weekend actually liked us.

Go figure.  I’ve been avoiding teenagers for ten years or so now, not realizing that the group of teens we had were not representative of all teenagers.  Live and learn, right?

In other news, my joint pain is back.  It hurts as bad as it did before I took the steroids.  Apparently, the prednisone I was on is out of my system.  I started hurting over the weekend and now it’s bordering on ridiculous again.

We’re not doing steroids again [maybe never, those things suck BAD] but ibuprofen isn’t doing much.  Um, actually, I can’t tell that it’s doing anything.  I went to the Doctor yesterday and he said that I have some kind of inflammatory joint disease, but we have no idea which one it might be because all of my blood tests are normal.


At least he believes that there’s something not right, though.  The hardest thing to deal with is when you tell someone that you hurt and they act like it’s all in your head.  This may be a psychosomatic thing with me, I honestly don’t know, but the pain is real.

In a way, I’m hoping that this is just a mental thing, because if it is, then maybe it will go away, right?  I don’t know.  I’ve been making plans about going back to college.  I’m planning to go to nursing school, and maybe I’m more nervous about it than I think.

There are a lot of issues, that’s for sure.  I’m having guilt for not loving being a stay at home mom.  I’ve been doing this for almost nine years, and I’ve never really enjoyed it.  I did it because I felt like I had to.  I felt like it was the best thing for my kids to have me at home and always available to them.

Now, I don’t know.  I’m pretty miserable, which makes me grumpy, resentful, and not very nice, so maybe it wasn’t the best choice after all?

I also have some issues with agoraphobia, and the thought of getting out every day by myself is both exciting and scary.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m scared of going out, and I think part of it is probably from being raped.  I really thought I had worked through all that crap, but now I’m realizing that it changed a lot more about me than I originally thought.

It doesn’t make sense to me that I should still be having issues because I feel like my rape wasn’t as, I don’t know, serious? as someone who was beaten, or raped by a stranger, or something.

I’m conflicted about the whole thing, because I went to the guy’s house intending to have sex with him.  I didn’t know it was going to hurt as bad as it did [I was really nervous, and he wasn’t very good at helping me relax] so I made him stop, and he did.  At first.

But I still wonder if he intended to ‘rape’ me, and if he didn’t, should I have reacted differently? Is my reaction to it what made it a rape?  During the sex, I felt like I wasn’t in my body anymore.  I remember laying there, staring at a digital clock with a red readout, wondering how long it would take for him to finish.

I could hear myself whimpering, but it was like it was happening to someone else.  After it happened, I went to the bathroom and cleaned the blood off my legs, and then I went out into the living room and talked to the guy until my friend came and picked me up.

A few days later, he called me and I broke up with him.  I don’t think he ever had a clue that he had done anything wrong.  Hell, my best friend told me that night that what had happened to me couldn’t be called ‘rape’ because I had gone there intending to have sex.

So now, some fourteen years later [good god, has it really been that long?] I’m still thinking that maybe it wasn’t rape in the strict sense of the term, so therefore it shouldn’t still be affecting me, you know?

But I’m afraid to go out by myself [or alone with my kids] because I know I can’t protect myself, or the kids, and my biggest fear is that something will happen to them.  I’m terrified when I take all three of them, because if two or three of them are walking, I can’t keep them all within arm’s reach, and someone could take one of them.

I’m terrified to take road trips to my parents’ house because if the van breaks down [it has 225,000 miles on it] something could happen to my kids, or something could happen to me and they would be all alone and vulnerable.

I never feel completely safe, except when Steve’s around [he’s a state trooper, which in police terms is a little like being a Marine in the military.  He knows a lot of ways to hurt people if he has to, and he’s usually armed, too.]  The rest of the time, there’s a low level of anxiety, and if I go out, it increases.  A lot.

So I wonder if this joint pain is a physical manifestation of my anxiety, and if so, how the hell do I get rid of it?  ‘Cause I hurt like hell.



So there was a post at another blog that got me wondering about delusions.  Exactly what are they, and how do you decide when to treat them [and how do you treat them]?

I found a lot of interesting stuff, but can’t remember most of it, and it doesn’t really matter anyway ’cause I’m not much for making sense right now.  I’ve lowered my dose of Prednisone from 50mgs to 40mgs, and have two more days before I go down to 30mgs.

I’m still jittery as hell, and really frantically verbal when I’m around people [and just as opinionated as ever, but way more vocal about it… I’m also a bit paranoid, so I wonder if I’m pissing everyone off I come into contact with as I’m rambling].

So anyway, delusions.  Basically, it’s when you believe something is true in spite of all evidence to the contrary.  Some people believe that they have parasites that are eating their flesh [or internal organs] in spite of diagnostic tests that show their organs are intact.

Other people believe that they have special powers, or abilities, or are connected to someone famous or to God in some special way.

Still others believe that they are being followed, poisoned, tormented by ‘them’ etc.  You get the idea, right?

I would imagine that some people think of belief in God as a delusion, too, so there’s a pretty wide variety of what a delusion is, and I’m curious where the line is between “Quirky” or “Odd” and completely off your rocker delusional.

I think sometimes I’m a bit delusional.  Especially right now, since I’m also really paranoid.  It’s funny in a way that I’m paranoid about being crazy, or becoming crazy, or being delusional since being delusional tends to mean that you’re focusing on things outside yourself that are affecting you, whether physically, mentally, or psychically, so you blame something else for your issues.

So I don’t know what the fuck this is, but it’s irritating.

I know that I’m paranoid about the government.  I think it’s pretty much filled up with corrupt power-mongers who could care less about me and my piddly worries, but the CIA, FBI, and all those other freaky initial groups give me the willies because they have the power to end my life if they want to, and there’s not much I can do about it.

And yet, there’s nothing even remotely remarkable about me, so why would they want to?  Part of me wonders if there’s a big conspiracy to make the American public sick or stupid so we don’t realize that we’re being duped, controlled, brainwashed, and/or killed, and the rest of me says, huh?  That’s a little extreme.  But the fact that the thought seems plausible worries me that I might be on the verge of mental illness.

When I read something about alien abductions or governmental mind control experiments, everything in me says that’s got to be a delusion.  It’s not that I don’t believe it’s possible, it’s just that I think the vast majority of the time the person who feels that they are being tormented/abducted/whatever is delusional.

I don’t believe in aliens, and yet I do believe in spirits, both evil and good, that can influence or affect us, and I do believe in God, so is that a more ‘socially acceptable’ delusion?  Is it different, or the exact same thing taking a different form?

Depends on who you ask, doesn’t it?

So where’s the line between quirky or odd and mentally ill?  If I believe in the possibility of alien abductions but don’t believe I’ve met an abductee, am I okay?  If I believe that I’ve been abducted, but it doesn’t have a detrimental effect on my life, am I okay?

What if it affects my life and the life of my family because I talk about it a lot and try to take precautions to protect them from the aliens [that doesn’t include harming them physically]? Am I delusional then?
Or instead of aliens, what if I believe that the government has it in for me… you get the idea, right?

Or what if I get an incurable illness and believe either that the government caused it because I’m a ‘superior being’ and they want to keep me from reaching my full potential, or that God allowed it to make me an ‘example of suffering’ to others, to inspire them to live for God… is one okay and the other a delusion, or are they both delusions?

What about God?  Is the simple belief in God a delusion?  If it isn’t, but I also believe that God guides us, is that a delusion?  Or what if I believe that God can and does speak to me, and tells me what to do and how to act, what’s right and wrong… is it only a delusion if I think he’s telling me to kill or hurt people, or is it a delusion if he’s telling me to do good, too?

Yeah, I think Prednisone is some wicked shit.  It’s not that I don’t think about this kind of crap fairly regularly, but I don’t usually admit it in public.

I don’t think I’m delusional, but I worry that I may get that way as I get older.  I like spiritual stuff, ‘woo-woo’ things, stuff that can’t really be explained, but it’s not taking over my life or anything.  I’m just interested in it ’cause it’s kinda weird, you know?  But I worry that at some point the interest may become unhealthy, or that I might start to believe something even though there’s no possible way it could be true, and I just don’t know where the line is.

I don’t ever want to think that someone is out to get me [even if they are], and I worry like hell when other people say they’ve had a ‘word from God,’ and yet I feel like he speaks to me sometimes in very personal ways.  But I strongly disagree with other people who feel like God’s spoken to them about some of the same things [you know, like Dobson and the Prez], so who the hell’s right?  Are we both delusional?

I think my way’s better because it doesn’t include hurting, maiming, hating, or killing anyone, but I don’t have any power to spread the message, and the violent people do.  But I still come back to the possibility that I might be the one who’s wrong here.  I read the same Bible the Fundamentalists do, and yet I hear a message of love and acceptance, even in the stuff they interpret as permission to kill or hate others, so I dunno, it’s all fucked up, eh?

Well, again with the not making any damn sense.  Oh well.  Only two and a half weeks of Prednisone left. I fully expect to be normal again soon.  These entries should be good for a giggle in a couple of years.

Peace out, y’all.

Prednisone, Day Two


Just so you know, I edited the time stamp on this one so that the other two posts today would come after this. I guess it’s so you can understand the context of the other two entries. I’m not sure if I’m as crazy as I feel right now, but be warned, these entries may not make much sense.

Then again, they may be the most wise, profound words ever written. You just never can tell about those things, eh?

Oy. I was jittery earlier, and in a really bad mood. Now I’m so tired I can’t see straight. The swelling and pain in my joints has gotten better, but I still feel like shit, eh?

Michaela went to bed a couple of hours ago, and is waking up periodically to cry. She was whiny today and just about drove me nuts [my bad mood didn’t help any]. I need to read the chapter in Sunday School, but I don’t really want to do anything.

Last night instead of sleeping, I had about a million thoughts running through my head at top speed. It was hard to make sense of it all. I’m still having that problem. Look at me! Incoherent Pete here. Read at your own risk, eh?

Read the rest of this entry

Great News, People!


I think I’m losing my mind.

Okay, not really, at least not any more than usual, but suddenly I felt the need to write a blog entry, so here I am.

Didja miss me?

Actually, my friend Lindsay must have a broken e-mail program at work, and I have this intense need to write words and since she’s not responding, I decided I’d give this a shot and see if I can get the words out of my system.

I may even try for a record in run-on sentences, but I don’t think I could do it.  I like periods too much.  Speaking of periods, are those not the worst things ever?  Girls know what I’m talking about, and you poor people who have to experience PMS from the SO’s point of view may have a better perspective than I do.  When you’re in it, you seem perfectly reasonable, and only those on the outside can fully appreciate the lack of rationality [hindsight and all that, but still, during? not so much]

I’m not making any sense here, am I?  Ah well, shit happens.

So have I mentioned that I want to live in a commune?  Or Intentional Community as they’re called now.  Steve and I are looking into starting one with another couple.  It’s mostly a cost-sharing community, with a little ‘love others’ thrown in because we’re trying to follow Jesus [I’m boycotting the term ‘christian’ for now, since it’s become a derogatory term…just call me a ‘follower of Jesus’ please.  It seems that a good portion of Christians don’t exactly follow JC, anyway.  I’ll probably get over it in a week or two and go back to Christian ’cause it’s easier to say, but for now…]

That was an admittedly jacked-up paragraph, but I’m in that kind of mood.

Oh, and here’s a pisser.  I quit smoking ten years ago in March 2006, and recently, I smoked a cigarette.  Holy crap!  I love stimulants, but most of ’em screw my heart up so bad I think I’m dying [and a good portion of ’em are illegal, and I don’t exactly relish the thought of getting arrested] so anyway, I decided to mooch a cig off a friend, just to see.

I’d forgotten how nice it is.  My scattered brain organizes itself, my creativity flows, and even my conversations with God become more meaningful.  And I calm down.  That’s the freaking kicker because I’m usually pretty high-strung and I’ve been irritable as hell lately, so anything that will help with that is necessary.

I always go outside, because I’m not gonna expose my kids to the second hand smoke, but I gotta tell you, I really like it!

If it wasn’t so bad for me, I’d do it all the time, but as it is, I’m limiting myself to one or less a day [some days it’s four, but I usually resist the next day to make up for it, or to make sure I don’t get addicted].

So yeah, I’m a freaking idiot, but damn, I really like nicotine.  If I could find a healthy alternative, I’d be all over it, but for right now, there are days when nothing hits the spot like a smoke in the shade.

Damn, Damn, Damn


I hate multilevel marketing. I think many good products have earned the right to be boycotted simply because of shit like, “I’ve just been working this business, and I make six figures now, and every one I know is making six figures, and we’re all rich and you can be too if you just spend lots of money on this wonderful product… blah blah fucking blah.”

Steve wanted to join Amway when we first got married, so we did. I hated it. I don’t sell stuff, and I can’t justify selling products to my friends and family for retail if I can get a discount. Seems wrong to me [which is why I’ll never own my own store, either].

So I hear about this supplement company from an acquaintance [who I actually like] and it’s MLM, but the supplements sound like they might actually help with some of my health issues, so I want to try them.

One month’s worth [two cans] of the basic stuff is $65 a month per person. I can’t [no, I won’t] pay $45 for a can of anything unless it’s freaking gold plated.

So I go to eBay thinking I can get the stuff cheaper, try the products, and see if it helps my health stuff. I accidentally let it slip today when I was talking to my acquaintance [who might have become a friend at some point, but now I think she won’t speak to me again, and I feel like an asshole and a bigmouth].

She was shocked that they sell the stuff on eBay, and called her upline person and we had a three-way call about it. During that call, the upline person informed me that selling the stuff on eBay was illegal, and that the product was probably fake, and that people who sell the product for cheaper than you can buy it from a distributor are unethical, and that I should be loyal to the person who introduced the product to me and buy from her even though I would have to pay over $20 more per can.

Oh yeah, this business is all about helping people get their proper nutrition so they can feel better.

During the call, I mentioned that the real average earnings of a distributor is about $1200 per year, and not the six figures everybody is always talking about [and I found that info on the company’s website. The lady tried to tell me that wasn’t true, but there it was, so, um, who’s lying?]

Yeah, so I think I pissed upline girl off. And I may have pissed off my acquaintance, which makes me sad, but the thing about MLM is that the ‘company’ brainwashes its distributors.

I kept hearing the same crap over and over that we used to hear at the freaking Amway meetings. “This business has been such a blessing to us, our friends and family, and we just love helping people. That’s our main concern, helping others to build their business and change their lives.”

Well, after upline girl leaves the call, my friend says that her main concern was that I might not get the real product, and that when it comes, we’d get together and figure out dosages and whatnot, because she still wanted to help me, and once I saw what the products could do, I’d be a convert for life, etc. Very friendly and helpful, although she did share that she doesn’t give her family a discount [after I’d said I wouldn’t be able to charge retail to my family because they’re poor, too].

She gave me the rationalization that [I’m sure] her upline gave her, which is, “Well, if you give the product away, they won’t appreciate what they’re getting.”

How is that even close to being a valid argument for overcharging someone for a product?

We hung up, and I sent her an e-mail with the link to the truth about what distributors earn, and I also mentioned that upline girl kind of hurt my feelings because she basically said that I have no ethics [word of advice, if you’re trying to sell something, don’t try this tactic. It generally pisses off potential customers].

I also told her that I had a really hard time with people justifying a really high price for a good product when it could be helping so many more people if the prices were cheaper. I also said that it wasn’t true that getting something free or cheap means that they won’t appreciate what they’ve got, and that I would appreciate anything that helped me feel better whether I’d paid money for it or not.

Looking back, I’m thinking that might have been what upset her [if indeed she’s mad… the written word is hard to inflect properly, but you tell me what you think].

So later, I get an e-mail from my friend saying, “We are part of a company with great integrity and ethics. One of the guidelines of the business is whoever sold the products does follow up. Because of your choice to buy our products off eBay, I will not be able to do follow up with you.”

Does that sound, um, pissed off to you? Steve says I over-reacted and that she probably didn’t mean anything by it, but I was hurt by the cold tone. I imagine upline girl told her to do it, and not everyone can write in a way that ‘sounds’ kind.

So anyway, I wrote back saying that the e-mail ‘sounded’ like she was upset, and I apologized [and I was being honest, I don’t bullshit about stuff like that] for offending her, if indeed I did.

I don’t want to have hard feelings with this person because I genuinely like her. Multilevel marketing, [and that ‘company’] however, is a completely different story. I can’t believe that the exact script I heard ten years ago from Amway is still the same bullshit they try to pull, and the ‘company’ and product they’re selling doesn’t matter, it’s all the same spiel.

They all use “God talk” [Oh, this business was such a blessing, answer to prayer, way to do God’s work and help others.] Yeah, they’ll help you only as long as you’re padding their paychecks.

I understand the reasoning/rationalization, but I still think it’s wrong, wrong, wrong.

Dammit, this whole episode has made me sick. Blech. And I’m disappointed because I let myself start to believe that there might be something to help my fibromyalgia and all the bullshit pain, fatigue, foggy brain, and other crap that goes along with it.

That’s what hurts me most, because I really do want desperately to feel better, and yet every time I think I’ve made some headway, I get kicked in the face.

Damn stupid assholes.

Things That Drive Me Nuts!


You know what drives me nuts?

People who don't return their carts to the little cart parking things in parking lots.

Yesterday, I put two carts in the holder that were pushed up against the outside of the thing.  WTF?  You got it that far, why not go the extra two feet to get it inside?

We have a store here called Aldi, which is cheap food [which is why we shop there] and they have coin operated carts.  You put a quarter in the slot and the thing that connects your cart to all the others pops out and you can take your cart in.

When you're done shopping, you take the cart back, put the connector thing into the slot, and your quarter pops back out.

I have never seen a loose cart in Aldi parking lot.

I read some stuff online that made me sad today.  It was about how the meat we buy is treated before it becomes meat [you know, when it's still an animal?]  Ugh.

I knew it was bad.  Steve used to work in a pork processing plant and he told me how they stunned the pigs and 'stuck' them to make them bleed out.  He assured me that they were unconscious when they got stuck, and dead by the time they reached the hot water bath to help remove their hair, but he didn't work in that part of the plant.

Okay, I know I'm a bleeding heart, but I have issues with inhumane treatment of animals, and the thought that pigs, chickens, and cows [I love cows, by the way, they are my favorite cloven hoofed animals] are even sometimes conscious when their necks are slit, or they go into the hot water bath, makes me physically ill.

I grew up on a dairy farm.  My grandma had chickens, so we had all the eggs, milk, chicken, and beef we could eat.  It was a very small family farm, and the animals were never mistreated or injected with hormones.  I guess they were 'organic.'  

Grandma was always big on humane treatment of the animals, and she was also always leery of anything purchased at a store.  She always had a garden, and wouldn't let my dad and uncle spray the plants with chemicals, and she always griped at them for spraying bug killer on their fields.

I used to laugh at Grandma, but she was a pretty wise old bird.  Today, I read that in the U.S. we inject milk cows with Bovine Growth Hormone [BGH] to make them produce more milk.  The problem is, it causes pretty serious health problems in the cow, and it causes an increase of a different hormone in their milk that is linked to cancer in humans.

I also found that chickens are given growth hormones that make them get bigger and fatter faster, which lowers their vital organs' abilities to function.  Sometimes they get so big so fast that their legs become crippled and they can't walk.

My mom and dad found a baby chick on the side of the road and took it home to raise a while back.  It had probably fallen out of a transport truck [more than likely Tyson since that's the main company around here]. 

Within a week, the chick was half the size of a full grown chicken.  That's way faster than Grandma's chicks grew.  

The whole thing sucks, because cruelty to animals, even animals that are destined to be dinner, is just wrong.  I still eat meat, but mostly it's wild game because store-bought meat is too expensive.  Now I have another reason not to buy meat.

I'm not trying to convert anyone to vegetarianism.  I doubt I'll become one any time soon, but I just know that I can't live with knowing how the animals are treated and still eat them.

If I still lived on a farm, I'd probably eat all of it because I'd know that the animal had a good life before it became dinner.  I admit that's weird logic, [or maybe no logic] but that's how I feel.

So, I'm not buying any more meat from the supermarket.  Maybe I'll hit the Powerball so I can grow my own.