Monthly Archives: April 2008

Performance Anxiety


Lately, every time I sit down and start to write something here, I start second guessing myself. Which is kinda funny, since about two people read this thing anyway, so I could write about how aliens abducted me and told me that I’m destined to take the place of Britney Spears because they’re going to pick her up and take her back to her home planet, and no one would notice [although people tend to watch a train wreck, so if I went off the deep end like that, people would probably start stopping by every day just to see the progress of my mental breakdown].

Anyway, I think it’s a tiny bit funny that my pride took the form of fear. See, I’m pretty prideful anyway, which I’ve always known, but had no idea how to change it. I tried embracing it for a while and getting it to work for me instead of against me (heh, ever heard of the ‘law of attraction’? I think that may be one of the more brilliant ways to get us to embrace our pride. The Secret says, “I control my own universe, and I can have anything I want because it’s my right. I am god of my own world.” Wowee.

I think it probably works for some people, but not because they really have any control over their universe. It changes their perspective so much that, in their own minds, they either become completely responsible for their success, or totally responsible for their failures. So they’re either puffed up with pride at their successful use of the law of attraction, or they’re sent into despair at their failure to control their thoughts and keep them ‘positive’).

I’m odd, and I’m aware of it. I guess that’s a plus? My life has been changing so much, it’s hard to put into words. Which leaves me with about twenty seven false starts writing a blog entry, and a whole lotta nothin’ new on my blog. My spiritual journey is the main focus of my life these days. I’m still a wife, mom and sometimes writer, and I don’t neglect those people/things, but spare time is often taken up with reading, studying, talking about spiritual things with anyone who will listen, and praying.

I guess I hesitate to write much about it here because it’s more intimate, personal, and sacred than what I usually write about. Yeah, I know, I wrote about my magic wand and my adventure with Brazilian bikini waxing, but even though that’s about sex and private parts, it’s still not a deep issue for me. Writing about being raped was the most intimate thing I’ve ever shared on here, and I knew pretty much that no one would ridicule me for what happened. It’s not PC, don’cha know?

But it seems to be all the fashion to ridicule Christians. Of course it’s in the guise of humor, but we all know how much vindictive humor hurts. It’s okay to have any other faith besides Christianity, and I understand that a lot of people hate Christians, and like to tell any Christian they can just how much they despise my faith. I’m just not sure I want to open myself up that much.

This is a public blog, which means that just anybody can read it, and I guess I should admit that the possibility of having a troll show up [or a friend] and kinda stomp on what’s in my heart is a little daunting. You have to understand that for me, and for a lot of Christians, we’re not trying to control you or indoctrinate you just so we can have another butt in the seat at church. My faith in Jesus has radically changed my life, and made it better. It’s made me a better person. I have hope now that I didn’t have before. I have peace and joy, but most importantly, I have love that I can’t explain except to say that it comes from God.

I know that it doesn’t come from me, because I’ve been me as long as I can remember, and I know how sad life was before. I’ve spent a lot of years in depression and despair, and if you’ve read my blog, you know that some of it was brought about by a man who was a pastor of a church. And yet, here I am again, doing my best to follow Christ.  I fail pretty much every day, but I can’t stop trying, because the alternative is too horrible to fathom.

I’m not talking so much about hell, although it is real and I don’t want to go there, but more about the complete despair of looking at a life where God isn’t intimately a part of my every action, thought, word or deed.  I struggle with pride, with being a self-righteous jerk, with finding the line between doing too much and doing nothing with my faith.  I’ve identified myself as a Christian for thirteen years now, and I’m still just barely a toddler.  I fall down and scrape my face every other day, yet I find that when I rely on God, He never fails to give me what I need.

So I have this blog here, and it’s in sad disuse, and I’m not yet sure if I’m going to actually continue or not.  I dunno.  I guess I’ll play it by ear and see if I can be coherent enough to write some of what I’m thinking about.  Heh.  Would you believe I read Leviticus yesterday?  And liked it!  Yeah, well, anyway, that’s all I have for right now.  We’ll see if anything else comes up later.