Monthly Archives: September 2009

Freedom to Choose

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I ended up staying up until 4:30 AM last night, which was dumb, because I’m tired as pond scum today, but it was worth it.

I had a rough day yesterday, full of arguments, reconciliation, and a big ole chat with a friend in the wee hours of the night. Right after we talked, I was thinking, “So what do I do now?” and I remembered that the last thing we talked about was me preparing for the battle. So I thought, “what’s the first thing I need to do to prepare?” and the first answer that came was, “Give up my will to God.”

Then it hit me. I was thinking I had to give up my will, and to give up my will to God meant relinquishing my freedom to choose. By just doing what God said, I was going to give up my freedom. So then I realized that every time someone has asked me to do something, or had expectations of what I should do, I didn’t want to do it, no matter what it was, because some faulty logic in my mind told me that by doing what they wanted me to do, I was losing my ability to choose. It didn’t matter if what they said was a wise choice, or the right thing to do, if they asked it of me and I did it, I was allowing someone to take away my freedom.

So to prove my independence, and retain my freedom to choose what I wanted to do, I had to do the opposite of what someone wanted of me. What can I say? Sometimes I’m an idiot.

this is every bit as stupid as it sounds, and there’s no logic to it whatsoever, but I never realized before last night that that’s what caused me to react the way I always have.

It never occurred to me until last night that no matter what someone asks me to do, I can use my free will to choose to do what they ask me to, I’m free to choose either way. Their expectations of me have nothing to do with my freedom to choose to do either what they want or not.

The weird, demented part is that by reacting the way I did, by automatically choosing to do the opposite of what someone asked of me, without thought or consideration as to whether it was a good choice or not, I was becoming more and more enslaved to sin, and in truth, was giving up my free will to an irrational urge to be contrary.

I’ve been told that I have to choose to be obedient out of my free will, but it never made sense to me until now, because I had twisted obedience into a forced thing, into being the opposite of what I wanted, which is freedom. I thought I’d lose myself if I did what people asked.

So much of my life has been ruled by my reaction to a belief that makes no sense whatsoever. Since I was a kid, I’ve been that way.

Crazy, but now, after all this time, I’ve finally realized that I am free. Truly free, and I actually like it!

I have no idea if that made sense or not. I explained it to Steve last night, and he didn’t get it, but then Mom got up, and when I explained it to her, she seemed to understand. She agreed that it was stupid, but she forgave me. I think Steve understood a little better after I explained it the second time. heh.

To cap off the insanity of this chain I tied myself up in, I even rebelled against my own will. I would make schedules, and the second I wrote it down, I’d be incapable of doing what I’d decided to do! Same thing with menus, home school, writing…good grief, it never ends!

I had such a hard time finding my place of freedom because it was all covered up with a demented wall. Wowee.

I must say, I feel way better than I have in months, probably years. I’m free to choose! I really am.

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Ventimous Maximous

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Well, honestly, I don’t have much to vent about right now, but the title made me happy!

I’m on mom’s laptop, and the kids are outside playing [and screaming bloody murder] and it’s hot in here for some reason, and Jeremi is either yelling at the TV or me.  I hope it’s the TV.

He’s a little crazy these days.  He’s stuck in bed except when Steve’s here, because Steve’s the only one who can lift him into his chair.  There’s no freaking room for all the people here, let alone room for a lift, so he’s screwed.

Anyway, the laptop hurts my pinkie fingers.  No idea why, but there you go.

A New Name, A New Purpose

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So I’ve realized that I need a place to vent.  E-mail is okay, except that sometimes I just want to whine like a fiend, and when you whine in an e-mail, people tend to respond.  This is considerably more public, and yet less likely to be read and commented upon.

Weird, I know, but there you go.  What I need here is a place to go to get rid of some of the words that are trying to make my head explode.  I’m living at the farm [AKA my parents’ house] with my husband, my kids, my dogs, my brother, and my parents.  That’s eight humans and two dogs.  In a three bedroom house.  It’s enough to try the sanity of any person, and since I’m half nuts already, I’m in trouble, you know?

I’m far, far away from all my friends, so my face-time [and therefore talking time] is seriously curtailed.  I recently joined Facebook, and realized that I need to write more.  Facebook seems to be something for short updates and a way to keep in touch with people, which is cool, but if you know me, you know I am completely incapable of being short and to the point.

As always, anyone is welcome to read this thing, but be aware that this is my place to vent my feelings, which means it will come out all wrong, and way more vehement than I really feel [exaggeration helps me calm down. so sue me]. so I’m really not asking for any in depth analyzing of my motives or deep conversation.

I just want to whine and write random shit and not have to worry about having to answer for my behavior.  Maybe it’s not the best thing to have a public blog for, but it’s what I need right now, okay?