Orgasms~ A Public Service Announcement

This is one of those things that you shouldn’t read if you’re under 18. I’m putting the break in for obvious reasons. I debated about this entry, but I think that maybe this is one of those things that might help someone out there, so I’m gonna write it, even though it’s TMI and all that.

Holy crapoli! I’m on a roll today, ain’t I? Steroids are my friend!!! Or my downfall.

Anyway, Orgasms.

I was 24 the first time I had an orgasm [at least when I was awake. I’ve had orgasms in my sleep since I was a kid, and though I have no idea how that’s possible, it’s true]. I was alone in my room, feeling like a complete idiot, but we had this vibrator [for muscles, until I found a better use for it, that is] and one day, I’d seen something on TV or something and I decided to give it a try.

It took maybe ten minutes, and I had my first ever conscious orgasm. Holy shit! I couldn’t believe I’d been missing something that wonderful for 24 years [or that I’d been having sex for five years and never had one].

I should tell you that my husband is no slouch in bed. I think I’m just one of those women who can’t reach orgasm without a plug-in close by. Sad but true. It was really really awkward telling Steve about the vibrator, but he was amazing [as any man who really loves his woman should be].

We had to learn to work around it for positioning [and I destroyed several of them before we got a Hitachi Magic Wand] but I can honestly say that we have wonderful sex, and it’s worth a little adjustment to be able to come together, you know?

So now to the public announcement part.  Ladies, if you have never been able to reach orgasm, please try some different things [preferably alone, you can relax more if you’re by yourself.  I know, Christians are taught that masturbation is bad, but trust me, God invented the orgasm, he intended you to have them, so I figure if you’re having trouble, you should do what you gotta in order to reach one.  Besides, masturbation is good, especially if your single and a Christian, because wouldn’t you agree that premarital sex is worse than a little self pleasure?]

Okay, it’s my understanding that some women can reach orgasm with relatively little fuss.  They don’t need any special equipment, just a finger or two and their good to go.  So try that route first.  If you’ve never touched your clitoris [except for washing, of course] then you should do so and see what you think.

Do whatever feels good, follow your body’s clues, and go for it.  If, after trying for some time you realize that you can’t get past a certain stage [I think the technical term is ‘plateau’] it might be time to try a vibrator.

I’ve tried a few of those novelty battery operated vibrators, and they don’t work for me.  Again, some women do fine with those.  If you want, you can experiment with a few and see if they work, but they are pretty expensive [especially the good ones] and honestly, I wonder if those of us who can’t reach orgasm with just fingers [or tongue] require more power [I know I do, and since I can’t speak for any other women out there, you’re just gonna have to experiment on your own if you want].

The surefire orgasm machine is the Magic Wand, though.  It costs anywhere from $45-$75, but believe me, it’s worth every penny.  There are a couple of interesting attachments you can buy [we have the g-whiz attachment… can you guess what that’s for?]

I can’t vouch for the imitation Wands, but I’m telling you, as far as physical pleasure goes, orgasms are as close to heaven as you can get this side of death, and there’s no price tag for that, you know?

Buy a Wand, you won’t regret it.  Let me tell you, though, if you can reach orgasm with fingers, the Wand may be too intense for you.  I don’t know this for sure, me being all defective and shit, but I’ve read elsewhere that some women can’t handle the intense vibrations, so be aware of yourself, okay?

For me, I can’t reach orgasm without intense, direct contact of an electrically powered vibrator.  I don’t know why that is, only that we’ve tried everything imaginable, from fingers to tongue, and everything in between, and nothing is intense enough to get me past the point of no return.

I’ve spent some time being pissed off about it.  I can have sex any time I want, but if I don’t have the Wand nearby, I know I won’t be able to come, and that’s a downer.  It’s also frustrating because it takes a while for me to get there, even with the vibrator [and since I haven’t really talked to many women about how long it takes them to reach orgasm, I don’t know if I’m normal there or not].

It only takes about 20-30 minutes now [which isn’t too bad] but when I was on antidepressants, sometimes it would take over an hour.  Sometimes I would give up in frustration.  That’s something to consider if you have a hard time reaching orgasm.  Medicines can fuck your world up, and not in a good way, eh?

It’s really important that you don’t try to put pressure on yourself to come within a certain timeframe [another reason it’s good to try it alone at first].  If you are spending too much time anticipating, concentrating on reaching it quickly, it will slow you down.

Sometimes you have to tense your muscles, sometimes you have to relax them, and if you’re concentrating on coming, you’re gonna tend to tense up and not relax, which can slow the process down considerably.

Anyway, I’m rambling now, and all I really wanted to say was this:  it is good to have orgasms, it is good even if you’re not married, or don’t have a partner of any kind.  It is okay to masturbate, and to use whatever means you need to in order to reach orgasm [but don’t injure yourself].

If you have been taught that masturbation is bad, if they brought up the story of Onan in the Old Testament [who married his brother’s wife, but pulled out and ‘spilled his seed’ on the ground rather than impregnate his sister-in-law, whose child would belong to his brother and not him according to the law of the day] let me tell you, that scripture has nothing to do with masturbation, or wasting your seed [and women can have as many orgasms as she wants without ever killing one egg, so go for it!!!]

And men, it’s okay for you to masturbate, too.  Research has shown that regular ejaculation greatly improves prostate health, so whack off to your heart’s content [well, within reason.  I’m guessing that if you’re spending more time masturbating than doing anything else, you need to give it a rest, okay?]

This part is for Christians.  One thing we have to be careful about is fantasizing.  For couples, don’t look at porn behind your partner’s back.  Technically speaking, that’s cheating on your spouse if you’re a Christian, and it’s bad.  Be honest with each other.  Steve and I have gone to some adult websites, but always together, or in the full knowledge of the other.

We guard our relationship by being open with each other about that kind of stuff, and while I understand that in some relationships one partner may be disgusted by some things while the other isn’t, to the one who isn’t, you really need to respect your partner’s wishes on that.

Take a nice long shower, and wash as fast and as long as you want, but guard your mind.

I am of the opinion that the best way to get rid of temptation is to take the ‘forbidden’ out of the equation.  Steve and I have never really been tempted to spend a lot of time at adult websites because neither one of us has said it’s forbidden.

It’s kind of like when I turned 21 and stopped drinking.  All of a sudden, it was legal to drink and I realized that it wasn’t that great of a feeling to be drunk.  It wasn’t something I was all that interested in, so I stopped.

I dunno, maybe that doesn’t work for everyone or every thing, but that’s what we’ve done, and it’s worked quite well.  Sometimes we’ll watch a dirty movie or something to ‘get in the mood’ and I think that’s okay too.  I prefer movies that aren’t just about sex.  I can’t stand bad acting or crappy music, so porno flicks are pretty much out, but we’ll watch R rated movies with some explicit scenes sometimes, and it serves the purpose, you know?

Really, it’s all about communication and honesty, and most importantly, being non-judgemental.  What you have to remember is that your partner’s fantasy is just that, a fantasy, and even if it’s not your fantasy, or it’s something you think is gross, this is the person you love and they deserve to be able to be honest with you without worrying that you’ll tell them they’re disgusting.

Now, if it’s something you find repugnant, you don’t have to try it, but don’t act disgusted, okay?  Be honest, but not rude.  Treat them the way you would want to be treated if you told your deepest darkest fantasy and your partner thought it was horrid, okay?

Well, I’ve rambled on again.  And again, I have no idea if I’ve been remotely coherent, but I’m done for now.

Did I mention that I have two more days of my current dose of steroids?  My doctor told me that if I start having really bad side effects, we can get me off of them faster [instead of four days on each dose, fewer until I’m weaned down].

I don’t know if this is a really negative side effect or not.  The grumpiness is bad, though, and hopefully it will get a little better tomorrow.  The writing, I kind of like. Not caring if I’m coherent or sane is a little weird, but for right now, I’m rolling with it, eh?

Peace out, y’all.